Age of Consent

Mason plays unfortunate artist trapped on beautiful Australian island with only his paintings, genius dog, and gorgeous nude model to keep him company. Tonally torn between comedy and introspective drama. Beautiful cinematography and great performances from Mason and Mirren dragged down by obnoxious supporting cast and still worse closing song.

Australia

Two romance novels squeezed into one unbearably long film. Luhrman proves that he is just a romantic Michael Bay, and like Bay, he delivers a few unexpected poignant moments. Kidman delivers one of her most irritating performances and is out-acted by an incredible aboriginal child and Jackman’s impossibly talented torso.

Walkabout

Longtime cinematographer Nic Roeg directs one of the most beautiful films ever shot and introduces the world to the often nude Jenny Agutter and the ever Aboriginal David Gumpilil. Like Salo and Cannibal Holocaust, includes nude teenagers and real animal slaughter. Unlike aforementioned films, it’s visually stunning and emotionally resonant.

(500) Days of Summer

that uses nonchronological - Honest romantic tragicomedy - editing a bit excessively. Avoided R-rating by euphemizing ‘blowjob’ but gets away with ‘anal girl’ and ‘took a huge shit on my face, literally.’ Despite obtrusive editing and music will resonate with anyone who has had a relationship end bitterly. Autumn, funny.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Effects genius Tatopoulos directs third Romeo & Vampire film. Backslides both chronologically and qualitatively but maintains tradition of destroying Bill Nighy’s head. Fans of Star Wars III will enjoy the mediocre dialogue and predetermined ending. Culminates in battle of Helm’s Deep and brief voiceover designed to justify casting Fake Beckinsale.

World's Greatest Dad

Baumbach-esque tragicomedy analyzes hypocrisy and grief. Williams shines in role reminiscent of his Will Hunting performance. Daryl Sabara matches Williams from what may be the douchiest child role ever. Abrupt ending detracts from otherwise expert script. Poor editing and music cues hurt film, though not as badly as mismarketing did.

The Brothers Bloom

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels gets fake Wes Anderson treatment. Irritatingly dark and twisty plot weighs down what feels like a light film. Runs into problem of ‘If it’s a con, we called it. If not, lame.’ Aside from brooding Brody, quirky characters are the highlight, especially Rinko Kikuchi and Robbie Coltrane.

For All Mankind

Fails to mesh attention to beauty with narrative drive. Awkwardly paced educational piece rather than entertaining true story. Shots of Earth, though surely breath-taking when photographed become old quickly. Footage of space walks and lunar landing are most compelling, but ironically look less real than special effects footage of today.

Not Quite Hollywood

Compelling documentary about Ozploitation films of ‘70s and ‘80s Australia. Tarantino and others provide expert commentary throughout. Made more compelling through quick ballsy editing and well selected clips from all films discussed. Contains more female nudity than any other R-rated film plus one necessarily lengthy shot of John Holmes’ penis.

Inside Deep Throat

More than just a nice way to watch porn guilt-free. Covers topic thoroughly from both sides while intercutting just enough deep-throating to offend conservatives and disappoint teenagers. Entertaining use of subplots relating not to the subject, but rather to the documentary itself. Message: pornographers get weirder as they get older.