Justice League

Grouchy Avengers assemble to battle every Thor villain fused into one. They stage super-disappointing resurrection as a cheat-code against the infinity boxes that threaten to plunge the whole cinematic universe into a tonally mismatched mess irredeemable even by the combined work of every action composer or occasional Flashes of humor.

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Useless Wayne cleverly finds fault in Man of Steel’s failings, so after some batmanipulation from Mark Jokerburg and a franchise Flash-forward, he does the 300 workout and borrows Bridges’ Iron Man suit. Fortunately, Martha Martha Martha brings the Justice Bunch together. Wonder-Why-I’m-Here Woman arrives in time for ludicrous laser-light show.

Man of Steel

It takes two Robin Hoods to raise him, but just a little journalistic know-how to identify him.  Oilrig jenga, 18-wheeler rubik’s cube… but saving the dog is too conspicuous?   Weird Crowe ex(machina)position.  Then two immortals fight, killing countless civilians, until one of them dodges the sequel by deciding to die.

Sucker Punch

Snyder returns from Ga’Hoole and suffuses first original story with his usual sleek cinematic style. Browning, Malone, and high school Hudgens go through series of unfortunate events and Browning Pan’s her way out by imagining I, Robot and LOTR. Alarmingly deep story for Snyder, where exciting action often seems unnecessary.

300

White leader defies legislature and sends undersized force to fight symbolic battle against brown people. Similarities to real events totally coincidental. Weak story made up for by outstanding visuals and brilliant use of slow motion. Probably responsible for more men joining the military or discovering their homosexuality than any other film.

Watchmen

Not actually a movie, but rather a collection of scene reenactments glued together by rough semblance of plot. Modifications to source material include consolidation or elimination of several subplots, expansion of single frame into soft-core porn scene, increased frequency of blue penis appearance, oh, and complete rewrite (improvement?) of ending.