Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Effects genius Tatopoulos directs third Romeo & Vampire film. Backslides both chronologically and qualitatively but maintains tradition of destroying Bill Nighy’s head. Fans of Star Wars III will enjoy the mediocre dialogue and predetermined ending. Culminates in battle of Helm’s Deep and brief voiceover designed to justify casting Fake Beckinsale.

Doomsday

Combines worst parts of Resident Evil, Timeline, and Road Warrior in attempt to create film with self-fulfilling title (which ironically is unrelated to plot). Pseudo-Beckinsale delivers decent performance which can’t help but stand out in a washed up land where Malcolm McDowell is king. Makes the Reaper virus look desirable.