Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Elitist Hermione follows her hobbit father into a slightly less animated re-imagined adventure. Book-smarts bring beastiality to beauty’s brain, playing perfectly into Princely prick’s quest to pursue a tail as young as possible. Meanwhile no one sings like Gaston, though Gad spells disastter in Evans’ efforts to ring a Belle.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Hobbit: Worst of Six Movies has pacing problems of a battle where everyone has different length legs.  Overly simple de-Smaugging followed by over-complex and under-featured impromptu battle over nothing.  Jackson forgets most series characters (and G-rated tone) and executes the others.  Meanwhile a bearatrooper drops in while Legolas gets stoned/high.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Next 90 pages gains Legolas, love story, and load of steaming gold garbage.  Peter Rabbit eats carrot and strikes perfect blend between barrel-riding book’s cartoonishness and Laketown’s Lord-of-the-Ringsy epicness, but gets greedy for gold with bloated, ridiculous last act.  Also suffers trippy Necrosauron zoom and go-pro shots of orcish hideousness.