Mary Poppins Returns

Poppins attempts to recreate not innovate, generating a super-fragile remake, riding original not to highest heights, but down the drain despite Hamilton’s de-light-ful dedication. After a kite-flying, hover-nanny throwback, two-way Streep sends the story backwards, then banker-ex-machina cameos in for a patched-together pace-stopper of a conclusion that… ends… up… boring!!!!!

Into the Woods

Like Streep’s appearance, odd musical fantasy venture oscillates between grotesque Sondheim quasi-horror and flowery Disney kids pic without ever settling on witch it actually wants to be.  Disquieting off-screen deaths and thinly veiled themes of pedophilia and adultery guide this movie into the dark woods between two potentially powerful demographics.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Pirates sells smoothly on after dumping Bloom baggage. Depp continues to justify the franchise but Barbosa gets a bigger role in this scaled down sequel. Brilliantly censored mermaids, Penelope’s other cruise, and an appropriately ludicrous fountain plot round out this small seas adventure. But why are the rum references gone?

Nine

Segues poorly between compelling acting and flashy music videos. Fergie delivers fantastic performance prompting suspicions that everyone else acted down to make her look better. If Rob Marshall’s goal was to create a barely passable schizophrenic remake to mirror his character he succeeded admirably. Disproves math: 8 1/2 > 9.