Hail, Caesar!

Coens salute themselves with completely unedited brainstorm session.  Deliberately over-long sequences beautifully mirror 50s films but get lost amidst endless other scenes of ludicrous length.  Neither outstanding cast and characteristic Coen comedy, nor tacky narration and contrived confessionals can hold together a tossed salad of unempathetic characters and poor plotting.

The Monuments Men

Danny Ocean hears artocaust has occurred and assembles his Fantastic Mr. Friends (plus an Artist), even hiring Private Ryan to consult as they steal stolen scenes.  Band of Grandfathers’ Downfall is total tonal confusion between corny comedy and heavy-handed history resulting in a monumentally unsatisfactory Intollerable Basterd of a film.

Gravity

Visually spectacular rollercoaster captures audience while cutting them loose in space.  Adherence to physics drifts away with less famous actors and Apollo Ed’s voice leaving only Bullocks’ (and the FX team’s) brilliant performance.  Condescending dream shrapnel drags audience commitment down, but otherwise delivers a thrilling albeit not quite airtight story.

The Descendants

Another tragicomedy about Paynefully unhappy people. Clooney’s most down to the earth performance, with only one ‘look at my eyebrows’ lapse, is a bit like Schmidt turned sideways. Supported by comedic bit player army and truly ascendant kids. Forster’s first forcible performance and Lillard proves that he’s still pretty shag-y.

The Ides of March

Old-fashioned political drama. Witty banter of a Sorkin script without clever plotting or potent subtlety. The messages are nothing new and story seems to build to shameless punch-line but even in spite of unrelated plot-points still carries suspense to the end. If Clooney went into politics it would be unfair.

Solaris (2002)

More visually impressive and in some ways more insightful, but certainly less revolutionary than Tarkovskiy’s original adaptation, Soderbergh’s rendition has larger scope but smaller span. Clooney and co-stars perform well in the stark but beautifully designed space station. Beautiful cinematography and breathtaking effects create visually spectacular rendition of original novel.

Burn After Reading

Coens, Clooney, and Swinton agree this is No Movie for Michael Clayton as they revisit jovial O’ Lebowski days. Arsenal of Oscar nominees join silly fray while pursued by dude-like CIA and its Jonah Jameson leader. Surprisingly brilliant movie about stupid people including mad Malkovich, prettified Pitt and jealous McDormand.

Three Kings

Brilliantly comedic serious film beginning with disclaimer that stylistic decisions were intentional. Shifts tone perfectly as Clooney, Wahlberg, and random supporting cast realize gravity of their situation. Sends great message amidst laughs galore. All around excellence helped by Jamie Kennedy, Adaptation’s director, Ice Cube, and two hidden Arrested Development stars.

The Men Who Stare at Goats

Heslov pretends his last name is Coen and fills his film with witty dialogue, Clooney’s eyebrows, Jeff ‘Bridges’ Lebowski, and a scatter-brained plot. All works out for half-an-hour before lack of structure stops the film’s heart. Clooney delivers best performance as he tries to teach Obi-Wan to use the force.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Anderson’s style translates beautifully to the animated world in this animal adaptation of Ocean’s Eleven. Clooney and Schwartzman’s voice performances are fantastic and the animation is astoundingly charming. Perfect blend of adultness and adorability make for an ideal family film. One or two repeat jokes do get pretty cussing old.

Up in the Air

Reitman hybridizes his previous films into a flaccid pseudo-comedy that emulates American economy by being bleak and frustrating. Various celebs try to bail it out but cannot from the confines of their 30 second roles. Even Clooney runs out of fuel halfway and coasts on in a dissatisfying melancholy mess.