Fifty Shades of Grey

 Perfectly recreates mediocrity of source material on screen with nuances of softcore soap-opera.  Edward signs a deal not to unfurrow his brow as long as Bella can avoid saying anything intelligent.  Tedious direction and ludicrous emotionality make Secretary ripoff about as interesting as a mosaic might be to the colorblind. 

Whip It

Barrymore directs herself, the unknown Wilson, and 30 actresses under 30 in this oddly compelling roller-derby romp. Juno plays an adorable Rocky on wheels who rockets the feisty ducks derby team to a rock-n-roll season in this fairly formulaic coming of age tale. Co-stars Juliette Clueless and Marcia Gay Hardass.

Into the Wild

Penn graduates acting and disappears into directing his Milky boyfriend. Hurt softens Hurt and Harden as Hirsch races speedily through a cast of comedians and meets vampiric new girl next door. Beautifully executed piece has perfect mix of romance and realism to make anyone almost want to be Supertramp. Almost.

Mystic River

Eastwood proves that he’s a better director than he ever was an actor. Perfect performances from everyone in an enormous cast, all in service of expertly crafted story, create absolutely incredible drama. With possible exception of one fade-to-white gunshot, every frame of the film adds to the suspense and emotion.

The Mist

Darabont and King team up again with a more typical King storyline, but the same Darabont character development. Similar to Pitch Black, both in design of creatures and in ‘fear humanity’ message. Better in black and white, as pink creatures look a bit silly. Regardless of hue, ending is unforgettable.