Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Saccharin spy sequel ropes in repeat viewers with self-indulgent circle-jerk of artificially enhanced action choreography.  Despite tonally consistent attempts to render disbelief weightless, the stellar assembly of stars to this shallow but shiny show is more difficult to fathom than the robodogs, Elton’s John Wick, or Firth’s ludicrously close shave.

Seventh Son

Awful expository voiceover.  Contrived Romeo & Juliet subplot.  Badly spelled-out plot twists. Semi-plagiarized Howard score. Jon Snow knowing less than nothing. Julianne’s a-moore-al cliché of a villainess.  And Jeff Bridges as Aldo Raine as Gandalf is seventh sign of film’s colossal failure. Brilliant writers expand mediocre book into awful film.

Mockingjay: Part 1

Expository non-plot hardly whistles by as the capital pays the bird to remain flightless in the hopes of raking in more Pan-Emerican dollars.  Meanwhile the rebels leak a host of nude photos to raise public awareness, while Gale gets stormier, Peeta gets thinner, and Julianne regrets not making better contacts.

Maps to the Stars

If Robert Altman and David Lynch had an abortion.  Several stars fell to Earth then took tragic wrong turns to end up lost in Losmopolis.  Julianne gives moore than this film deserves while a terrible child actor, tedious cinematography and hilarious fake fire distract from Cronenberg’s poorly plotted cartographic nightmare.

Still Alice

Moore provides the only memorable part of a film whose title is better suited to paralysis than dementia.  Baldwin serves as Alice’s steady (30) rock, while Stewart provides additional support, helping her mother weather her twilight years.  Unfortunately this touching Alzheimer’s PSA is unable to overcome its degenerative story deficit.

Game Change

Roach recounts another modern political tale and Moore manages the impossible by not turning Palin into a caricature, almost as difficult an effort as those of the other characters to turn her into a politician.  Harrelson’s advisor manages to remain central focus amidst recognizable Harris and Palin, and supportive Paulson.