Snowpiercer

Captain Antarctica leads fierce fight to put ‘gory’ back in ‘allegory’ as the metaphorical world hurtles around the real one.  Clever concept pits social structure caricatures (wounded Hurt and swine-like Swinton) against each other on fast-paced but farcical rollercoaster that even Christof can’t save from a train-wreck of an ending.

Only Lovers Left Alive

Loki and the Ice Queen make a chillingly heart-warming couple in the moody and brooding Lost in Transfusion.  Jarmusch’s precise cinematography, characteristically superhuman musical decisions and deliberate avoidance of don’t-say-‘vampire’ clichés transform this interview into an epic.  Wasikowska chews her screen-time wonderfully while Yelchin quenches a thirst for comedic relief. 

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Hardy, Strong, Hurt, Oldman. All perform well and names describe Gary perfectly. His performance is top-notch as he rides a Titanic cast-list into a slow and methodical spy quasi-thriller. More tinkering and tailoring than soldiering or spying. One would imagine that a movie this big would be easier to follow.

Immortals

Tarsem maintains long Hollywood tradition of making mediocre movies about Greek Gods. He does elevate the 300 slow-mo style to an Olympian level as he executes the most beautiful carnage ever captured on ‘film.’ Rourke and Cavill take their rolls seriously, but the screenwriter and the Gods’ costumer certainly didn’t.

V for Vendetta

Wachowski’s shine from behind their producer’s mask in this alternative dystopia. What’s worse than machines taking over? The British. Dramatically shifts the focus of source material but improves on plot and produces a better story. Agent Smith begins transformation into voice acting, and Portman proves that she really is Keira.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Happy Potter and the Octilogy ending battle. Final chapter is far-cry from blue-balled predecessor. Kill Voldemort vol. 2 leaves all the apparating behind and focuses instead on hurling digital fire back and forth. Brief stop by the Matrix weapons room precedes Aslan Potter saving the day. Then poof, aging spell.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I

A half-satisfying half-movie featuring veritable cameos from the costars of its predecessors. Accurate collection of scene re-enactments strung together by semblance of plot and endless apparations. Hermione’s hotness completely skews the book’s character and Ron Weasley goes Sam Gamgee. Nearly naked aging teens with lack of Hogwarts distinguish this half-film.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Campy action, lame dialogue, and freaky aliens illustrate Lucas’ involvement in this incredible desecration of an iconic series. Shia the Beouf nicely compliments the worst performances of Blanchett, Hurt, and Ford’s careers. Digital ants, Shia of the Apes, and a moronic waterfall car chase add to this colossal Crystal Skullf**k.