Alien: Covenant

Mediocre mixture of space horror clichés and heavy-handed throwback fumbles is impregnated with shockingly deep continuation of promethean questions of ultimate origin story. Unfortunately, this philosophical beast waits ages to burst forth, and is promptly crushed by ridleyculous action, subpar special effects, and cheats alien to the franchise thus far.  

Sausage Party

Overstocked with shock, Rogen’s grocery story is a pun-ishingly biting satire of faith, religion and world culture. From start to finish, Party is stuffed with deliciously satisfying vocal performances. Maybe mis-packaging as a giant dick joke prompted refined viewers to shelve the product, when really it’s well worth checking out.

Kung Fu Panda 2

Worthy sequel to a brilliant film. Lacks emotional truth of a Pixar film, but still finds clever dialogue, incredible fight scene effects, and underused voice actors of first installment. Builds on first and leaves room for a third, in fact almost begs for a tri-doosh to contain this Black-built Panda.

Due Date

Phillips’ follow-up film feels like bad hangover after great party. Foxx is Downey’s downfall and Soloist isn’t an isolated incident. Someone skipped script revision process and just threw two great actors into wacky situation with hope that it would work out. Poorly conceived, premature comedic bastard with appropriately terrible delivery.

Despicable Me

Dreamworks’ answer to The Incredibles is slightly less so. Cute but overall predictable supervillain romp with amusing Bond gadgets an army of jaundiced Oompa-Loompas, and a decent dose of slapstick humor to keep things afloat. What’s truly despicable? Hiring famous actors then having them use severe accents. Great song though.

Observe and Report

Tonally confused. Paul Blart got Knocked Up by a Taxi Driver. Empathy with Rogen is only possible because everyone else is even worse. Pena gives best performance but Faris is barely bearable. Scenes of occasional violence are ironically funniest parts in film where reporting is more enjoyable than observing was.

Tropic Thunder

Stiller triumphantly directs brilliant send-up of movie-making process. Downey Jr. is black and Black is Farley, with Cruise and McConaughey delivering their first and best supporting roles. Plot necessitates some suspension of disbelief but makes doing so easy. Attacked, not for blackface, but for ‘retard’ discussion. They’re characters, you halfs!

Pineapple Express

Franco gives impressive comedic turn while Rogen plays Rogen again. Dialogue is funny but far too self indulgent. Designed so stoners could tune out half the film and not miss anything. Most compelling aspect is refusal to shy away from bloody disturbing violence. Stoned film forgets Heard’s storyline halfway through.

Up in the Air

Reitman hybridizes his previous films into a flaccid pseudo-comedy that emulates American economy by being bleak and frustrating. Various celebs try to bail it out but cannot from the confines of their 30 second roles. Even Clooney runs out of fuel halfway and coasts on in a dissatisfying melancholy mess.