How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World

Spoiler: what this movie is for the franchise. ‘HTTYD: Don’t!’ offers beautiful Wall-E-esque sequences which weave in and out of logical plot holes to ultimately unveil the message that integration is unnatural. Strange mix of comedic quirk and serious sentiments fails to soar to previous heights in Train’s shaky caboose.

Thor: Ragnarok

What We Do in the Cosmos plays Thor for laughs, but slips into idiocracy for lengthy rags-to-rocks second act made entertaining by gladiatorial Goldmaster. Blanchett’s character lacks the complexity of her thorny performance. Psychedelic colors and Marvel’s first memorable music assist endless ad-lib in delaying end (of world and film).

The Monuments Men

Danny Ocean hears artocaust has occurred and assembles his Fantastic Mr. Friends (plus an Artist), even hiring Private Ryan to consult as they steal stolen scenes.  Band of Grandfathers’ Downfall is total tonal confusion between corny comedy and heavy-handed history resulting in a monumentally unsatisfactory Intollerable Basterd of a film.

How to Train Your Dragon 2

Hiccup grows up and his world grows out, expanding to include contrived backstory, overly complex dragon rules and countless questions about how everyone knows where they’re going.  Teen friends flirt until frozen reunion leads to most tedious dragon fight ever. Despite stilted pacing and awkward arcs, still an entertaining flight.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Hobbit: Worst of Six Movies has pacing problems of a battle where everyone has different length legs.  Overly simple de-Smaugging followed by over-complex and under-featured impromptu battle over nothing.  Jackson forgets most series characters (and G-rated tone) and executes the others.  Meanwhile a bearatrooper drops in while Legolas gets stoned/high.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Next 90 pages gains Legolas, love story, and load of steaming gold garbage.  Peter Rabbit eats carrot and strikes perfect blend between barrel-riding book’s cartoonishness and Laketown’s Lord-of-the-Ringsy epicness, but gets greedy for gold with bloated, ridiculous last act.  Also suffers trippy Necrosauron zoom and go-pro shots of orcish hideousness.