The Fate of the Furious

Nobody Russels up the regulars to domin8 rogue Torreto as he remains oddly silent about his hijo ex machina, while driving for a nuclear blonde Fast Furiosa. Wave of World War Zehicles and Game of Thrones guests breathe nos into stale franchise, but the flame retardant finale is glacially sub-par.

Furious Seven

The Rock rolls over as Statham transports his genre expertise into this Diesel-fueled joy ride.  A couple of Kurt commands send the team through several fun-filled video-game (and building) levels, but the slow-paced L.A. finale is even less arouse-y than Ronda’s brief ‘performance’.  Plus a fond farewell to Fast Walker.

No Strings Attached

Portman’s Black Swan follow up is… well, it’s another step on her journey to screw the That 70’s Show. Watching Kutcher try to share the screen with Portman is adorable, as is watching Reitman try to make one of his son’s movies. Many lucky accidents and Elwes instead of extras.

Fast Five

Best of franchise, with everything bigger except title. All series players have great parts, and music cues fill holes left by talent quality. Walker drives but he can’t act, and Diesel definitely crushes Rock, but no one watches this movie for drama. Brilliant physics defying car stunts make it fast-astic.

Crash (2004)

Candy coated look at the intersecting lives of several hundred people in Los Angeles. Melodramatic and carefully constructed to remind to the viewer that racism is terrible. Lives intersect repeatedly, and so on occasion to brilliant editing, performance, and music to form several powerful tear-jerk moments. Better title: Hate Actually.

Gamer

Neveldine and Taylor crank out this poorly plotted ‘Running Man’ ripoff overflowing with glitchy editing and arbitrary breast shots. Butler is decent but Sedgwick is weak, even compared to Lohman, Luda, and Leguizamo. Michael C. Hall is film’s saving grace, but still, Leonidas vs. Dexter & Terry Crews? Game Over.