Aquaman

DC Drowns Collosally as Conan the Aquarian succumbs to pier-pressure in this fishy farce, blunting each plot point to maximum dullness lest they acci-trident-ally poke more holes in a story that already barely holds water. Drogo and Crimson Heard have so little chemistry that even adding H2O isn’t a solution.

Justice League

Grouchy Avengers assemble to battle every Thor villain fused into one. They stage super-disappointing resurrection as a cheat-code against the infinity boxes that threaten to plunge the whole cinematic universe into a tonally mismatched mess irredeemable even by the combined work of every action composer or occasional Flashes of humor.

The Rum Diary

Depp’s return to’ Thompson and I’ lacks Withnail’s wit or Fearful Loathing pacing.  Eckhart, Jenkins, and Ribisi’s characters are enjoyable distractions from unsatisfactory island vacation, but even they can’t fill Captain Jack’s empty bottle/diary of rum.  Disenchanting story, dissatisfying dialogue, and an ultimately disappointing story fail like a drunken newspaper.

The Joneses

Extremely original plot populated with phenomenal and very pretty cast. Duchovny and Demi channel real life marital success to give life to lifestyle. Film cleverly reveals the mystery slowly but hits a standstill after that. Too many ideas and too little motivation twist the final act into an unmarketable mess.

Drive Angry

More like, Driven Mad. Rodriguez-esque self-aware B film accidentally recreates worst parts of the genre. Cage under-overacts but Heard acts gorgeous and almost distracts from disasterous film. Fichtner’s highlight performance can’t make up for the horrible effects. No plotholes, but rather an angry plot abyss with occasional islands of solidity.

The Informers

Another Easton Ellis look at modern moral decay. Captures Psychotic American tone with precision but falls victim to scatterbrained rules of attraction. Suffers rift between the sexy young naked people party and the washed up actors convention. Renfro’s last role is decent, but everyone only Heard about eternally exposed Amber.

Never Back Down

Not Shakespeare, but it certainly delivers what it promises. Djimon teaches pre-Tom Cruise that one day he too can be an angry slave, while Peters of Kick Ass films infinite ass-kicking. Gigandet and Heard play their roles with conviction and even the sneaky title in dialogue seems decently sincere. Sequel!

Alpha Dog

From the director of The Notebook comes this unusual approach to a true crime story. Young stars Yelchin and Hirsch easily outshine Willis and Stone. Perhaps one of the only films to leave audience feeling sorry for every character. Not great, but not terrible, earning it the title, Beta Dog.

Zombieland

Americanized Shawn of the Dead with more laugh-out-loud moments but less emotional and intricate storyline. Pseudo-Cera’s voiceover works for five minutes before becoming repetitive diatribe of teen angst. Still, features one of the best celebrity cameos ever and fantastic performances by Miss Sunshine as a badass and Harrelson as McConaughey.

Pineapple Express

Franco gives impressive comedic turn while Rogen plays Rogen again. Dialogue is funny but far too self indulgent. Designed so stoners could tune out half the film and not miss anything. Most compelling aspect is refusal to shy away from bloody disturbing violence. Stoned film forgets Heard’s storyline halfway through.