Avengers: Infinity War

Whoever thought this many marvelous heroes could run the Gauntlet must’ve been Infinitely Stoned. But they somehow succeeded, so here’s 25 words, cuz Oh Snap!

Isle of Dogs

Wes goes east in The Seven Symmetries, outdoing his meticulous shot design and quirky wit. But this adventure’s emotions seem to be lost in translation. Furthermore, the screwy set-pieces seem to have evicted the plot to trash island, and though the action is entertaining and fun, it’s ultimately doggone dissatisfying. 

Captain America: Civil War

Two guys shy of an Avengers flick, Captain vs. Iron: Dawn of Cinema deals with identical themes of dreadful DC doppelganger but beautifully bolsters battles with empathetic characters, meaningful motivations, and plot logic. Even cinematic universe building blocks feel like more than just superfluous strands to expand Marvel’s dark web.   

The Jungle Book

A VFX army delivers Hollywood’s digital flower in The Jungle of Pi, thoroughly burning location shooting to the ground.  Mowgli meanwhile rejects admittance to the man club, choosing instead to be wooed by Her and kidnapped by Deerhunter Kurtz (Christopher Swingen) before ignoring wise feline wisdom and stumbling to victory.

Hail, Caesar!

Coens salute themselves with completely unedited brainstorm session.  Deliberately over-long sequences beautifully mirror 50s films but get lost amidst endless other scenes of ludicrous length.  Neither outstanding cast and characteristic Coen comedy, nor tacky narration and contrived confessionals can hold together a tossed salad of unempathetic characters and poor plotting.

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Hawkeye’s housewife and Widow’s green envy only distract from endless avenging.  Spader’s voice and Bettany’s vision add solid sci-fi elements while Johnson and Olsen just wish dey had zese powers when ze Godzilla attacked.  Satisfies audience expectations of another fun fight fest but Ultron’s age proves to be… very young.

Lucy

The Transcender.  Besson goes Luc-y goosey in wacky attempt to incept Nikita into  Earth Odyssey.  Freeman delivers expansive expository pseudo-scientific excrement and is punished by having to watch someone else play God.  Scarlett uses 10% of her talent to deliver poorly evolved performance.  Story falls apart even before she does.