The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Hobbit: Worst of Six Movies has pacing problems of a battle where everyone has different length legs.  Overly simple de-Smaugging followed by over-complex and under-featured impromptu battle over nothing.  Jackson forgets most series characters (and G-rated tone) and executes the others.  Meanwhile a bearatrooper drops in while Legolas gets stoned/high.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Peter Jacksoff with this gigantically extended 90-page novel excerpt.  Struggles to trudge through nearly three hours (and 486,720 frames) while trapped in the mountains between LotR grandeur and source material childishness.  Freeman’s baby Bilbo feels a bit BBC and previous cast appearances are far less seamless than countless prosthetic noses.

The Day After Tomorrow

Film that prompted Mayans to predict the catastrophic film, 2012, and from the same director. Shameless pseudo-environmentalist scare film features malevolent window-shattering ice, tanker wall-scaling digital wolves, and the now literally washed up Dennis Quaid. Amidst the unintentional hilarity are bits of unfunny cleverness, involving Mexican border-crossing and librarian book-burning.