Murder on the Orient Express

Only one culprit in the murder of a movie made attractive by first-class cast, cleverly contained coverage and a talented hair & mustache department; the script. Less whodunit and more whocares, once the plot is set in locomotion, it’s promptly derailed by an avalanche of artificial action and useless clues.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

Eva’s Xavier raises mutant misfits in dark shadows of time while bland Butterfield mopes around and stares Woodily at everything. Bizarre mix of digital and practical effects is almost as disconcerting as Jackson’s eyes, and ultimately no amount of hot air can make this plot-heavy ship float to the surface.

Skyfall

Hopscotches between Bondiest Bond ever, and not a Bond film at all.  Worst Craig opening yet, followed by uncharacteristically character driven flick with interludes of digital dragons and rogue subways. Inception Island for Old Bardem, Straw Dogs third act, and perfect closing scene confuse the hell out of Chicken Little.

J. Edgar

Dicaprio dons Benjamin’s buttons for this sprawling depiction of bureaucratic sneakery. Essentially an unreliable sister movie to the even more tedious Good Shepherd, with a stronger performance from the Departed lead. Watts shines light on well-handled controversial elements, essentially Leo’s resistance to getting nailed by a perpetually young sounding Hammer.

Pride and Prejudice

So bland it makes book look interesting by comparison, almost interesting enough to justify non-BBC non-Firth version. Beautiful cinematography distracts from dialogue that makes other actors speak as awkwardly as Knightley. Sutherland must’ve enjoyed working with all of Britain’s soon-to be leading ladies. To make this right, Wright must atone.

Mrs. Henderson Presents

Dench and Hoskins perform fantastically in true story of the most high class nude bar ever built. War scenes ring theatrical and untrue, and ending is abrupt and melodramatic. More than offset by entertainment value and artistry of all the stage scenes and of course by the beautiful supporting cast.

Nine

Segues poorly between compelling acting and flashy music videos. Fergie delivers fantastic performance prompting suspicions that everyone else acted down to make her look better. If Rob Marshall’s goal was to create a barely passable schizophrenic remake to mirror his character he succeeded admirably. Disproves math: 8 1/2 > 9.