Mary Poppins Returns

Poppins attempts to recreate not innovate, generating a super-fragile remake, riding original not to highest heights, but down the drain despite Hamilton’s de-light-ful dedication. After a kite-flying, hover-nanny throwback, two-way Streep sends the story backwards, then banker-ex-machina cameos in for a patched-together pace-stopper of a conclusion that… ends… up… boring!!!!!

Paddington

Escapes the dark jungle of mediocrity from which most animated animal movies hail, by maintaining an attitude of emotional empathy and brilliantly orchestrated visuals tucked under its hat. Despite maleroom and bathtub shenanigans, Kidman’s adult woman still feels a few notches too caricaturish, even for this almost unbearably endearing adventure.

In the Heart of the Sea

Thor and Poseidon wage war after curious cross-continental casting and bookish bookends preemptively waterlog white whale’s tale. Spiderman and scarecrow silently spectate the feud between master and commander while generally beautiful cinematography is periodically dragged under by excessive artificiality. A clever turn of phrase twists emotional ending away from expectations.

Spectre

Chicken little was right.  The sky has fallen, and though Bond landed on a couch, everything else was reduced to rubble.  That includes the narrative, the world, the supporting characters, and even the franchise staples.  Indecipherable conspiracy, mediocre action, and tonal tedium culminate with an inglorious villain who frankly blows.