Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

It’s another Turner’s turn to cage Sparrow into fighting a bigger baddy. Chaotic whirlpool of a plot plays broken compass so aggressively that Depp nearly loses his head. Silva’s stint in No Ocean for Living Men is predictably entrancing, but excessive parent-child cheese drops an anchor into otherwise surfable wave.

Assassin's Creed

Mechanical story ensnares Fassbender and repeatedly thrusts him through a plot-hole where he must endure rigorous resistance training juggling nonsensical exposition and gratuitous action. Despite the best efforts of both backlight and backstory, it never elevates to art, and even Irons and Cotillard can’t imbue the story with Shakespearean gravitas.

Allied

Despite Zemeckis characteristic overindulgence in visual effects, Mr. Smith Goes to Europe is an old-fashioned, conventional tail of intrigue. Tragically mis-represented by commercial double-agents, the twists are spoiled and the plot consequently sabotaged. Pitt is predictably at home in glorious fashion and Cotillard keeps the emotions real despite all lies.