In Bruges

Esteemed playwright McDonagh brings his wit to this screen by populating a beautiful Belgian sh*thole with rich cast suffused with simultaneous comedy and melancholy. Deeply philosophic dark comedy that follows the cast of Harry Potter through a Boschian nightmare. Highlights include brilliant political incorrectness and award-worthy performance by Bullseye’s eyebrows.

Away We Go

Mendes’ attempt at indie feels like Wes Anderson turned Sideways. Krasinski and Rudolph evolve beyond TV comedy roots but drown in a sea of scrambled Eggers supporting characters. Overall an amusing but dissatisfying quasi-comedy that chokes itself with too much quirk. Gyllenhaal, Janney, and Gaffigan are uncharacteristically unimpressive. Indie music!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I

A half-satisfying half-movie featuring veritable cameos from the costars of its predecessors. Accurate collection of scene re-enactments strung together by semblance of plot and endless apparations. Hermione’s hotness completely skews the book’s character and Ron Weasley goes Sam Gamgee. Nearly naked aging teens with lack of Hogwarts distinguish this half-film.

Wristcutters: A Love Story

Odd meditation on the afterlife with perfect assortment of pensive characters. Enthusiastic leap into extraordinary premise makes accepting it easy, and Whigham’s Virgil to Fugit’s Dante makes the whole thing enjoyable. Where there’s a Will (Arnett) to distract there’s a Waits to perform sublimely and restore equilibrium. A lovely story.

Tropic Thunder

Stiller triumphantly directs brilliant send-up of movie-making process. Downey Jr. is black and Black is Farley, with Cruise and McConaughey delivering their first and best supporting roles. Plot necessitates some suspension of disbelief but makes doing so easy. Attacked, not for blackface, but for ‘retard’ discussion. They’re characters, you halfs!

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Brilliant adaptation of classic kids’ story adds necessary complexity and character to make compelling movie. Stuffed with jokes for adults and kids alike and layered with reference to other genres. Beautifully prepared and seasoned with phenomenal use of 3-D effects. Features healthy helping of SNL topped with T for flavor.

Never Back Down

Not Shakespeare, but it certainly delivers what it promises. Djimon teaches pre-Tom Cruise that one day he too can be an angry slave, while Peters of Kick Ass films infinite ass-kicking. Gigandet and Heard play their roles with conviction and even the sneaky title in dialogue seems decently sincere. Sequel!

Reign Over Me

Sandler delivers an incredible portrayal of grief and distress. Cheadle is good but can’t compare to Sandler and Burrows as they step far outside their comfort zones. One of the only films without a number in its title (93, 25) to handle this subject matter appropriately. Sandler should stay serious.

Deep Blue Sea

They trapped some sharks, made them smart, and harpooned them with giant hypodermics. What could go wrong? Turns out the sharks are about an even match for Mace Windu, the Punisher, Bootstrap Bill, and LL Cool J. Mediocre plot and dialogue made tolerable by great surprises and hilariously bad FX.

The Ghost Writer

Polanski delivers another healthy Baby with this political thriller. McGregor is nuanced and empathetic as he investigates a brilliantly cryptic Brosnan. Supporting cast, though arbitrary, Hutton and Belushi, are excellent, and the entire piece has a ghostly sense of foreboding. Respectfully suspenseful, an altogether excellent ride, with a perfect ending.

Stardust

The best comedy fantasy since Princess Bride and an outstandingly clever film. A cast of supporting superstars surround a relative unknown as he makes his way through an ingeniously funny fairy-tale land. De Niro and Pfeiffer provide two of the best performances, of the film, and of their recent years.

Crash (2004)

Candy coated look at the intersecting lives of several hundred people in Los Angeles. Melodramatic and carefully constructed to remind to the viewer that racism is terrible. Lives intersect repeatedly, and so on occasion to brilliant editing, performance, and music to form several powerful tear-jerk moments. Better title: Hate Actually.

My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done

Bad Lieutenant gets checkup from Dr. Mulholland himself, who Lynches the performances before letting Herzog run amok with editing and inclusion of documentary footage. The two stand-out performances come from Lieutenant veterans, Shannon and Dourif, and to say that either is type cast is just crazy. Another interesting Herzog experiment.

The Young Victoria

The Duchess on casual Friday. Altogether average period piece, with mundane plot and decent performances to be Blunt. Distractions included occasionally dysfunctional Barry Lyndon-esque lighting and strange Scorsese-style anachronistic editorial flourishes. Also hurt by oddly punctuated title cards and pre-credits history textbook. Bettany and Strong are perfect for this, period.

A Single Man

Beautiful and contemplative freeform character study elevated to excellence by sublimely nuanced performance of Colin Firth. Strong supporting cast too; Goode is great, but Moore is better. True surprises are the editor and first-time director Tom Ford, who craft a piece of art. Watch, errr… listen for Jon’s Hamm-eo appearance.

Love Actually

Sprawling romantic comedy set on the corner of Magnolia and Notting Hill. Basically a fictionalized account of every single person in England on and around Christmas. Beautiful editing and writing create sublime mix of sincere sadness and hilarity. Easier to name British actors excluded rather than included. Uh… John Cleese?

Burn After Reading

Coens, Clooney, and Swinton agree this is No Movie for Michael Clayton as they revisit jovial O’ Lebowski days. Arsenal of Oscar nominees join silly fray while pursued by dude-like CIA and its Jonah Jameson leader. Surprisingly brilliant movie about stupid people including mad Malkovich, prettified Pitt and jealous McDormand.

Sin City

Rodriguez brings together outstanding cast and exemplary style in perfect screen adaptation of comic series. Sure, the cinematography and dialogue had all been pre-determined by co-director, Miller, but RR cuts it cleverly a delivers a beautiful hybrid. Uses voice-over to excess and seems a bit to arbitrary, but otherwise, spectacular.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Gill.I.Am makes mess of things again, this time aided by Ledger’s death. Radical rewrite renders movie incomprehensible but justifies involvement of every sexiest man alive. Law, Farrell, and Depp all emulating Ledger spectacularly can’t cover up perplexing plot or hopeless mini-me. Instead of watching, view poster and imagine the rest.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Ex-sitcom Labaeiouf replaces current sitcomer Sheen (cameo, duh) and becomes an actor. Mulligan shines but the Gekko seems twisted out of character. Starts well but crashes midway through and Even Steven just rides the oddly edited rollercoaster till the anti-climactic end. Current affairs familiarity can’t save this Stone from sinking.

Machete

Trejo finally gets lead role as Rodriguez realizes that his bad movies are his best. Simultaneously lampoons lost genre while actually analyzing current affairs issue. Beautifully incorporates footage from source trailer and provides caricature stereotype characters for Latino cast and wild ones for De Niro, Lohan, and surprising impressive Segal.

The Expendables

Excess celebrity (quantity and individual size) and absence of story constitute amusing but unsubstantial spectacle. In-jokes provide occasional amusement as does speculation about which seen broke Stallone’s neck. Perhaps crowning moment is Planet Hollywood reunion, which serves up dialogue on par with its food. With eighty percent fluff, impressively well-titled.

Red

Intentionally quirky performances by venerated actors create necessary defining kitsch. Story is as vapid as Parker’s character and the otherwise well-shot fight scenes often degenerate into infinite ammo machine-gun fire. Basically an action party for Oscar winners and a film well worth watching when it reappears ad infinitum on TNT.

The Social Network

Three names synonymous with cinematic excellence – Fincher, Sorkin, Timberlake – craft action-free courtroom drama (sans court) that’s hilarious, exciting and powerful. Eisenberg follow’s Cera’s Pilgrim on journey out of Cera’s shadow, and Timberlake’s celebrity is used perfectly. Boring title and poster prove you should never judge a book by its face.

The Town

Ben’s back. In Boston, in action, in more ways than one. Daredevil and Gossip Girl perform uncharacteristically well alongside ever-spectacular Renner. Hamm’s a ham hunting these mad men, and Cooper can’t quite pronounce words wrong right. Tense and exciting, like old Affleck has Heated up Departed and Gone Baby Gone.

The Princess and the Frog

Disney returns to hand-drawn animation roots with their best story in recent years. Songs are relatively forgettable, but the character’s, comedy, and title-defeating un-princess-like moral message are not. Waxes a bit too terrifying at points, and maybe a tad stereotypical towards New Orleans, but Song of the South it isn’t.

The Informant!

Matt Damon takes a fantastically serious comedic turn in a quirky true-story crime conspiracy. Sodherberg uses his main character’s mind to take the film back to Schizopolis, and for once voiceover works beautifully. Periodically difficult to associate with main character and hard to understand plot, but then, that’s the point.

Thirst

Oldboy director hops onto the vampire bandwagon but misses the memo that the plots are supposed to be terrible. Instead he satisfies every question that Interview left open while providing a visually incredible and simultaneously scary and funny film. Furthermore, injects transfusion of equal parts philosophical query and cinematic mastery.

Poseidon

Most satisfactory remake since the original Adventure. Das Perfect Boot director navigates familiar waters and follows original plot loyally but redefines characters in creative and satisfactory way. Russell performs impressively and his death is almost as impressive as Fergie’s is enjoyable. Bit emotionally campy at points but otherwise fun film.

The Day After Tomorrow

Film that prompted Mayans to predict the catastrophic film, 2012, and from the same director. Shameless pseudo-environmentalist scare film features malevolent window-shattering ice, tanker wall-scaling digital wolves, and the now literally washed up Dennis Quaid. Amidst the unintentional hilarity are bits of unfunny cleverness, involving Mexican border-crossing and librarian book-burning.

Three Kings

Brilliantly comedic serious film beginning with disclaimer that stylistic decisions were intentional. Shifts tone perfectly as Clooney, Wahlberg, and random supporting cast realize gravity of their situation. Sends great message amidst laughs galore. All around excellence helped by Jamie Kennedy, Adaptation’s director, Ice Cube, and two hidden Arrested Development stars.

Strangers on a Train

Another splendid Hitchcock movie featuring phenomenal last performance of Robert Walker. Builds Se7en-esque suspense with an equally demented character but culminates in a disappointingly juvenile plot twist, and fairground fight. Exceptional cinematography with notably deep focus makes up for a few editorial excesses, unless of course you’re a tennis fan.

30 Days of Night

Dark, stylized, and loyal graphic novel adaptation. Great performances by Hartnett and George are overshadowed by the fantastically creepy Foster, and out-of-place Huston, not to mention excessive attention to vampire faces. Scariest vampires yet despite silly fast motion seizure-feeding. Well executed action makes up for vampire pacing logic issues. Graaahhhhh!

Capitalism: A Love Story

One Moore crockumentary from the Democratic Limbaugh. This time he makes some legitimate points but again manages to brutally undercut his integrity with shameless editorial manipulation and dependence on emotional pleas. Further hurt by self-indulgent begging for billions and CEO arrest scenes. And the presence of a legitimate actor… Inconceivable!

This Film Not Yet Rated

Dick refuses to be censored in this disturbing look at the MPAA. Adequately covers full array of related subjects, from history to controversy to masturbation, but shoots itself in the foot with painfully incompetent private investigators and journalistically disappointing phone call recreations. Ironically undeserving of the NC-17 it got branded.

Role Models

Hybrid of Apatow and Phillips comedic styles puts Rudd alongside Stifler in his first decent Role since Pie. Generally funny with humor stemming from endearing irreverence. Succeeds at building emotional connections but also forsakes them in favor of gotcha jokes. Fairly satisfying plot gets a bit too fantastical towards end.

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men

Krasinski directs scatter-brained male perspective on female perspective on minds of men. Equal parts disorienting and unsatisfying randomness and ingeniously edited intercut conversation montages. Performances are all-around satisfactory but not impressive with exception of MacGruber’s strange serious turn and Dominic Cooper’s brilliantly dark argument. Excellent monologues galore tied together poorly.

Kick-Ass

Watchmen’s Zombieland with matching angsty, redundant voiceover. Bright colors and cleverly Layer-Caked transitions add nice touch to poorly paced but generally enjoyable film. Nick Cage perfectly paired with best female superhero yet, and their violence is beautiful to behold. Features hallway fight to rival Oldboy but done by young girl.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

George Michael vs. Anne (Bland), Superman, and Human Torch in stylized masterpiece from Edgar ‘Shaun’ Wright. Cera gives depth to his usual character. Uses incredible stylization to compliment, not replace, content but periodically goes too far. Struggles to top opening fights and premature Evans introduction but still manages admirably. Epic!

Black Dynamite

This is the film that beat Planet Terror in track in high school in the 70s. Perfect homage to Blaxploitation genre. Avoids Rodriguez parody or Tarantino tedium. Jokes are consistently spot-on and direction of racism is impossible to pinpoint. Every aspect of film feels totally genuine, including Watchmen-outdoing nunchaku Nixon.

Planet Terror

Rodriguez succeeds where Tarantino fails with film that both pays homage to the genre and is enjoyable to watch. Missing reel gag is absolutely brilliant, as is casting of celebrities in terrible roles. The effects get better as they get worse, and the performances are brilliantly bad. Terrifically funny flick.

Death Proof

Tarantino realizes that people love his table talk, and seriously over-obliges to everyone’s dismay . Succeeds masterfully at creating an uninteresting and seemingly poorly made film. Closing car chase and reappearance of Russell are film’s saving graces, though it’s depressing that this is worse than many of his early films.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2009)

Beautifully shot foreign detective film featuring two master performances from actors who will likely break into the American scene soon. Like Lehane books/films focuses more on characters than story but both aspects hold their own. Early tangential rape scenes could have been omitted, but why not include them. Remake unnecessary.

Gladiator

Archetypal epic and honeymoon of Crowe-Scott marriage. Beautiful cinematography, impressive action, genuine performances, and brilliant script lend to creation of an excellent film. Moments of Baby Scott style editing detract mildly but not enough to mar this masterpiece. So inherently good, for once even Scott’s director’s cut couldn’t improve it.

The Invention of Lying

Gervais finds the screenwriting pot-of-gold with this brilliant high-concept premise and then tosses it in the crapper, with alarmingly unclever story. Toes line of controversy but avoids leaping into it and disappoints with a disappointingly (and literally) Deus Ex Machina conclusion. All-star comedic supporting cast cannot support this film enough.

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

Rob Zombie somehow ropes Dawson and Giamatti into performing in this utterly disgusting, politically incorrect, overtly obscene and thoroughly enjoyable Southparkian grotesquery. Incorporates aspects of every other Zombie film and regularly pokes fun of itself. Glued together and made palatable by hilarious self-referential songs. Even Zombie can’t call this art.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Pre-digitally destroyed Zemeckis delivers a visually stimulating send-up of film noir genre. Hoskins and Lloyd lend credibility to a ridiculous concept with a mediocre screenplay. Clever effects maintain interest, as do constant cartoon character cameos. Wins points for being first film to do this and for not being Space Jam.

Inception

Another creative mental masterpiece from Nolan populated with talented cast of lesser-known actors. Revisits Memento themes and Delves into dense subject matter to pose deep philosophical and logical questions. Plot-holes and logic lapses are strangely unable to sink this intellectually stimulating puzzle, but does it connect emotionally? In your dreams.

Crazy Heart

Bridges nails washed up Dude as country singer role in Tender Mercies/Wrestler hybrid. More surprising than Bridges’ impressive singing voice is Colin Farrell going country western. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays Sherrybaby again, this time as love interest. Mundanely poignant with an ending so emotionally mixed it’ll make your heart go crazy.

Predators

Good actors playing well-developed characters in a satisfying storyline make Predators the most satisfying of the series. Brody lends class to lead role but Fishburne overplays his brief appearance. Fodder for a sequel and a welcome one at that. Brought on-the-nose third act dialogue and an embarrassingly bad digital fireball.

The Blind Side

Embraces every drama film cliché to craft a trite but entertaining story with mediocre cinematography. Essentially a character piece about how ballsy Bullock’s character was, and her performance succeeds in doing the dialogue justice. Plot meanders a bit before finally delivering an unsatisfying ‘predicament’ as evidenced in the opening flash-forward.

Charade

Accurately considered the best Hitchcock movie that Hitchcock didn’t direct. Grant reminds us that he would have been the perfect Bond, and the age difference in his quasi-romantic Hepburn relationship isn’t nearly as apparent as with Grace Kelly. Plot is perfectly laden with plausible well-paced twists and an excellent conclusion.

The Man Who Knew Too Much

Relatively conventional but expertly crafted Hitchcock thriller. Stewart’s performance is good but nothing extraordinary. Most compelling aspect of storyline is international scope and worst feature is extremely coincidental conspiracy conclusion. Also could have done without the blatantly inaccurate intro title card and Spielberg inspiring closing scene. Overall an enjoyable thriller.

Invictus

Freeman and Damon perform excellently in another well directed Eastwood film. Handles racism topic extremely well and though Mandela’s dialogue is a bit too pointed, the film avoids being preachy. On the downside, the rugby matches are hard to follow, the story too direct, and the music cues overwhelmingly melodramatic.

An Education

Sarsgaard resumes his frequent creepy guy role, this time enhanced by being convincingly British and in pursuit of impressively talented Carey Mulligan. A peppering of bigger stars in smaller roles support the story excellently, and beautifully written, witty dialogue prevents an otherwise endearing script from becoming too clichéd or preachy.

Toy Story 3

One of Pixar’s best and a satisfying follow-up to an overrated sequel. Phenomenal opening reintroduces characters and plays perfectly into emotional yet funny thrill ride. A few moments may be a bit too horrifying or emotionally disturbing for kids, but these instances are too perfect to omit. Es muy excelente.

The Lovely Bones

Jackson attempts return to Heavenly Creatures roots and succeeds in relevance to title, but not in quality. Continuity maintained between poorly shot Earth scenes and poorly digitally rendered heaven scenes through use of poor music video-esque editing. Tucci is sole saving grace with a performance that cuts through the editing.

The Road

Bleak post-apocalyptic future peppered Hurt Locker style with big stars in small roles. Aragorn’s performance can’t match his previous roles despite enormous amount of screen-time devoted to emotional suicide discussions. Like No Country, exceptionally loyal adaptation of a McCarthy book. Should be titled The Day After the Day After Tomorrow.

Magnolia

Anderson channels Altman to perfect his Boogie Nights structure. Complex non-story with who’s who of actors delivering performances of their careers. Cruise plays his most obnoxious and sympathetic character yet and Hoffman proves how great he is. Even spontaneous musicality and amphibious precipitation can’t detract from this mind-bogglingly beautiful masterpiece.

Iron Man 2

RDJ wrestles with Rourke and a bit of Batman-esque gloom and despair in this solid sequel. Inverts its predecessor with weak first half but strong second, excluding the actual super-villain showdown which still feels a bit quick. SJ & SJ make welcome additions to the team, but Rockwell, well… rocks.

Iron Man

Elf director Favreau pits RDJ against Bald Lebowski in original and entertaining comic adaptation. First superhero film of the decade to employ comic book camp and action gravitas in perfect harmony. Suffers from Batman Begins syndrome where second half villain fight doesn’t quite live up to first half creation story.

Babel

Alejandro Inarritu takes his multiple storyline structure international to interweave several tales of communication breakdowns. Barraza and Kinkuchi perform as well as Pitt, Blanchett and Bernal. Many will argue that inclusion of Asian story doesn’t make sense, but confusion may not be a bad thing; the film is called Babel.

Mystic River

Eastwood proves that he’s a better director than he ever was an actor. Perfect performances from everyone in an enormous cast, all in service of expertly crafted story, create absolutely incredible drama. With possible exception of one fade-to-white gunshot, every frame of the film adds to the suspense and emotion.

The Mist

Darabont and King team up again with a more typical King storyline, but the same Darabont character development. Similar to Pitch Black, both in design of creatures and in ‘fear humanity’ message. Better in black and white, as pink creatures look a bit silly. Regardless of hue, ending is unforgettable.

The Prestige

Wolverine vs. Batman in a chronologically complex dual to the death, masterminded by the screenwriting genius of the Nolan brothers. Odd appearances by Bowie and Gollum only add to this excellent film, and though a few of the twists feel contrived, the whole thing becomes more impressive upon repeat viewing.

The Departed

Scorsese directs incredible cast in brilliantly scripted adaptation of Korean crime caper. Nicholson and Wahlberg’s quirky caricatures provide an excellent contrast for Damon and Dicaprio’s impressively nuanced lead roles. A few moments of stylized editing feel out of place but don’t even come close to killing this nearly perfect picture.

I Heart Huckabees

Either an excellent satire or a laughable exploration of alternative mode of thought. Watts and Wahlberg take comedic turns while Schwartzman plays himself and Hoffman inhabits role that’s stranger than fiction. Contrived plot and quirky humor establish tone perfectly. Surely did for exercise balls what E.T. did for Reese’s Pieces.

The International

Tykwer’s Perfume cinematography and Edit Lola Edit stylization aren’t enough to mask the convoluted plot of this political thriller. Clive Owen finally gets his chance to play James Bond, and does well during the one worthwhile shootout. Otherwise a run of the mill conspiracy film with little to distinguish it.

Choke

Clark Gregg adapts Palahniuk’s novel with the finesse of a high-school film-student. Over-played jokes, over-acted performances, and twisty attempt to pull one over on the audience leave everyone waiting for the film to be… over. Rockwell and MacDonald perform characteristically well, but even they can’t breathe life into this film.

Drag Me to Hell

Raimi returns to his Evil roots with this B-movie of epic proportions. Hybridizes laugh-out-loud funny with piss-yourself terror and completely avoids pulling punches. Occasionally goes too far with obviously digital Acme anvil and silly eye-spray. Long impresses while Lohman is simply tolerable. Saved by pleasantly simple plot and surprises galore.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Wes Anderson finally dives in a bit over his head. Murray reprises his Royal Rushmore character and Dafoe, Goldblum and Blanchett make splendid additions to the Anderson team. Stylized cross-section shots work fantastically but Selick’s stop-motion fish feel a bit out of place. Overall fun film drags in final act.

Alpha Dog

From the director of The Notebook comes this unusual approach to a true crime story. Young stars Yelchin and Hirsch easily outshine Willis and Stone. Perhaps one of the only films to leave audience feeling sorry for every character. Not great, but not terrible, earning it the title, Beta Dog.

W.

Alarmingly objective and seemingly fair representation of recent controversial events. Brolin’s performance is incredibly compelling without becoming a caricature. Supporting cast are for the most part impeccable as well, thought Wright and Newton are a bit hard to accept. Objectivity hindered by amusing and unrealistic compilation conversations of so-called Bushisms.

Terminator Salvation

McG tries to reboot Terminator franchise with gritty Batman Begins treatment. His attempt is hampered by the absence of (real) Schwarzenegger, a decent plot, or any semblance of loyalty to original films. Bale and Yelchin inhabit their characters well enough, but Worthington’s strong heart can’t make up his weak character.

Law Abiding Citizen

Film seems to argue in favor of whatever morally reprehensible and deluded message Leonidas is attempting to teach Jamie Foxx. Tonally similar to reworking Saw to glorify Jigsaw into Batman. Plot feels clever for a while, but the ‘witty twist’ completely undermines the cleverness of everything else. Can’t fight fate.

Transsiberian

If Hitchcock directed Hostel, this film would be the result. The plot is a bit farfetched but loaded with viable twists and palpable suspense. Harrelson, Mortimer, Mara and Kingsley lend credibility to the piece with phenomenal performances all around, and Noriega steals the show with his sublimely ambiguous creepy foreigner.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Fincher uses a gimmick to make slow-moving mundane story enjoyable to watch, and the result is exquisitely beautiful, both visually and emotionally. Blanchett and Pitt both shine through not quite satisfactory makeup and visual effects. Hurt slightly by occasional moments of excessive screen-writer cleverness and by similarities to Forrest Gump.

Mulholland Dr.

Experimental film that improves dramatically with each viewing. Difficult to criticize terrible performances, particularly from Watts, as they were intentionally bad. Attempting to comprehend the plot is waste of time that will make you want to Lynch the director. Look forward to equally dissatisfying blue box and lesbian sex scenes.

Open Your Eyes

Brilliant sci-fi mystery maintains impressive amount of suspense while asking serious philosophical questions. Seemingly senseless occurrences tie perfectly together at brilliantly plotted climax. Noriega delivers phenomenal performance despite inhibiting, unimpressive makeup. Star-making role for Cruz who went on to act in the vanilla bastard remake, Open Your Eyes Wide Shut.

Ponyo

Miyazaki’s Little Mermaid lacks universality of plot that makes his other films great. Targeting young audience doesn’t justify senselessness of plot and dialogue. Worse still, Miyazaki experiments with new animation to unimpressive result and American redub is his worst yet. And how pray-tell did Aslan’s wizard mate with Galadriel’s ocean?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Campy action, lame dialogue, and freaky aliens illustrate Lucas’ involvement in this incredible desecration of an iconic series. Shia the Beouf nicely compliments the worst performances of Blanchett, Hurt, and Ford’s careers. Digital ants, Shia of the Apes, and a moronic waterfall car chase add to this colossal Crystal Skullf**k.

Seven Pounds

Will Smith reteams with director, Gabriele Muccino, to create this melodramatic sequel, The Pursuit of Crappyness. Attempts to craft a suspenseful mystery but instead feels vague, plodding, and overly manipulative. Supporting stars in forcibly flawed roles outperform a constipated Smith, and an amorphous floating blob steals the show from everyone.

Zombieland

Americanized Shawn of the Dead with more laugh-out-loud moments but less emotional and intricate storyline. Pseudo-Cera’s voiceover works for five minutes before becoming repetitive diatribe of teen angst. Still, features one of the best celebrity cameos ever and fantastic performances by Miss Sunshine as a badass and Harrelson as McConaughey.

Murmur of the Heart

Louis Malle’s quasi-autobiographical coming-of-age film is simultaneously endearing and disturbing. His young-looking child actors perform excellently, and at things they should not know how to do yet. Oddly universal despite it’s incredible strangeness. Though the end may be extreme, everyone will think about it at some point in the film.

The Goonies

Sam Gamgee searches for One-Eyed Willie’s ring of power in Spielberg’s E.T./Indiana Jones hybrid. Embraces Disney approach to making kid’s stories loaded with references for adults, particularly to the filmmakers’ other works (i.e. Gremlins, Superman). Baby Brolin, Shortround, and Corey #2 complete an all-star child cast while dropping S-H-I-T-bombs aplenty.

Moon

David Bowie’s son directs this sublime psychological sci-fi flick that shoots for the moon and lands incredible performance(s) from star, Sam Rockwell. Reminiscent of Solaris and 2001, but only in the best possible ways. A strong story saves the film from subpar special effects; not for fans of Michael Bay.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Hawks directs Monroe in excellent musical with unimpressive story. Monroe’s voice is as excellent for song as it is bad for dialogue, and Russell is better at both. Dance choreography is top-notch and dialogue is sharp, but the courtroom scene est une abomination and the title is more senseless still.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans

Herzog fills radical revision and substantial improvement of Ferrara’s drug-fest with quirkiest cast ever to not feature Ben Stiller. Kilmer and Cage are uncharacteristically good, reminding us that they are not action heroes. Mendes reprises role as Ghost Rider’s girlfriend and supporting cast provide excellent support. Especially those elusive iguanas.

The Men Who Stare at Goats

Heslov pretends his last name is Coen and fills his film with witty dialogue, Clooney’s eyebrows, Jeff ‘Bridges’ Lebowski, and a scatter-brained plot. All works out for half-an-hour before lack of structure stops the film’s heart. Clooney delivers best performance as he tries to teach Obi-Wan to use the force.

Stay

Borderline experimental film that absolutely requires a second viewing. Similar to a smoothly cut variation on Mulholland Dr. complete with a peculiar performance from Naomi Watts. McGregor and Gosling do their jobs adequately but the editor definitely deserves a raise. Brilliant title and transitions add to this thought provoking masterpiece.

The Quick and the Dead

Raimi approaches western genre with all the subtlety that he brought to horror, and succeeds courtesy of the simple, silly, and highly entertaining plot. Features decent performances from relative unknowns Dicaprio and Crowe. Stone’s beauty (though shortlived) is almost enough to distract from the flatness of her performance. Quick zoom.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Anderson’s style translates beautifully to the animated world in this animal adaptation of Ocean’s Eleven. Clooney and Schwartzman’s voice performances are fantastic and the animation is astoundingly charming. Perfect blend of adultness and adorability make for an ideal family film. One or two repeat jokes do get pretty cussing old.

The Proposal

One of the most predictable films ever made but still fairly enjoyable. Reynolds and Bullock play excellently off each other as they leap through all the typical chick flick clichés. Nice to see Coach and Rose in something worthwhile again. Could have done without both of the strange dancing scenes.

Whatever Works

Woody Allen writes a fantasy for himself and casts the person most like him to play the lead. David excels in the role and is aided by an excellent supporting cast. Allen’s film-referential jokes work better here than ever before and he succeeds in creating his most likeable assholes yet.

Bridget Jones's Diary

Stereotypical chick flick in which neurotic girl must choose between Hugh Grant and Mr. Darcy, both playing themselves. Culminates in a series of clichés ranging from suitors fighting in street to lead running after missed love. On the bright side, Zellwegger’s weight is inversely proportionate to how tolerable she is.

Hancock

Superhero quasi-comedy that transforms tonally from Bad Boys to Seven Pounds. Sometimes funny humor fades out with introduction of convoluted back-plot that never gets resolved. Theron and Bateman neither hurt nor help while Smith gives best performance as occasionally annoying hobo superman. Uses inexplicable tornados to overshadow subpar flying effects.

How to Train Your Dragon

Baruchel’s nasal voice and a couple minor plot holes aren’t nearly enough to bring down this fantastical animated epic. Combines fantastic animation, loveable characters, great story, Leonidas’ voice, and an adorable cat-lizard Stitch dragon to make an incredible film. Fans of Harry Potter, Madagascar, or Eragon should like this instead.

La Marseillaise

Renoir’s rendition of the revolution with his typical theatricality, but lacking his usual empathetic characters. A well staged action period piece is brought down by melodramatic acting, heavy-handed plotting, and obvious political bias. Varies tonally throughout, but manages to achieve each of the tones it goes for. Vivre la revolution!

Inglourious Basterds

Spaghetti western cooked by Tarantino and served on a Nazi plate. With occasional flashy exceptions (Samuel Jackson), Tarantino controls himself and does the genre justice. Pitt creates perfect Eastwood or Wayne-esque character alongside amazing lesser-knowns, Fassbender, Laurent, and Waltz. Contains Roth’s best directed film yet and a histourically accurette ending.

Red River

Hawks soars as Clift casts shadows on a waning Wayne. An excellent Western from the master of dialogue. Wayne’s performance marks high points and low points of film with incredible moments arriving from a not quite credible character. Whether or not the characters do, the film certainly completes its journey.

Hunger

Other Steve McQueen makes an unbelievably well shot film and hangs on shots forever to make sure everyone notices. Slight segue issues between speech-free majority and 16-minute one-shot mini-play. Fassbender performs incredibly and pulls a Christian Bale midway through. Disturbing how enthralling a dark topic can be if handled properly.

Little Dieter Needs to Fly

Documentary basis for ‘Rescue Dawn’ from the same director. Likability of Dieter more than compensates for inability to see his story and raises this film above ‘Dawn.’ Moments feel too manipulative. Your torture haunts you still? Let’s recreate it on camera. Arguably worst element of filmjavascript:void(0) is Disney channel title.

Antichrist

Von Trier misogynizes all over Dafoe and Gainsbourg who manage incredible performances. Not necessarily great film but beautifully shot, intensely thought provoking, and loaded with symbolism. Don’t be fooled by opening hour of dialogue, later scenes will permanently change perception of whetstones and scissors. Quasi-pornographic PSA for child safety gates.

Gamer

Neveldine and Taylor crank out this poorly plotted ‘Running Man’ ripoff overflowing with glitchy editing and arbitrary breast shots. Butler is decent but Sedgwick is weak, even compared to Lohman, Luda, and Leguizamo. Michael C. Hall is film’s saving grace, but still, Leonidas vs. Dexter & Terry Crews? Game Over.

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

‘Alice in Narnia’ marks Disney’s third failure to shoot a compelling epic and proves that digital effects haven’t evolved far enough to fix bad writing. Depp’s schizophrenic performance oscillates from Pee Wee to Braveheart while Burton’s creepiness drowns in a shallow effects orgy. Highlights are big-headed Bellatrix and floating Puss-in-Boots.

A Serious Man

Unrelated Yiddish segment. Typical Coen Brothers witty dialogue without their standard high concept plot. Loosely parallels story of Job and is therefore somewhat depressing and redundant. Nuanced performances from leads maintain interest through sometimes monotonous film. Compelling look at American Jewish culture from directors and cast who know it well.

Pineapple Express

Franco gives impressive comedic turn while Rogen plays Rogen again. Dialogue is funny but far too self indulgent. Designed so stoners could tune out half the film and not miss anything. Most compelling aspect is refusal to shy away from bloody disturbing violence. Stoned film forgets Heard’s storyline halfway through.

Killshot

Joseph Gordon-Levitt shines amidst a sea of half-hearted performances in poorly-paced by tonally loyal Elmore Leonard adaptation. Suffers from overly simple storyline with clichéd two-dimensional characters. Dawson, Lane and the Punisher do their best with shallow characters. Rourke’s performance is inspired. Unfortunately, it’s inspired by Heston’s Touch of Evil Mexican.

The Taking of Pelham 123 (2009)

Baby-Scott eases up on the epilepsy as Travolta Swordfishes a subway car. Well executed high-concept film compensates for action free segments with high doses of tension. Generally good, but hurt by annoying co-worker, excessive accounting lingo, bad driving from the NYPD designed to generate action, and sentimental 1980s closing freeze-frame.

Vantage Point

Incredible. Incredible premise. Incredible premise executed. Incredible premise executed terribly. Incredible premise executed terribly with. Incredible premise executed terribly with horrendous. Incredible premise executed terribly with horrendous plot. Bored yet? It gets worse. Features obnoxiously coincidental ending. Viewers who enjoy this film will likely empathize with Whitaker’s totally irrational character.

Leon the Professional

Melodramatic ‘90s music cues aside, a nearly perfect movie. Oldman, Reno, and Portman give their best performances to date in Besson’s perfectly choreographed action flick. Features a perfect blend of testosterone packed action and sentimental character study. Leon should pay a visit to the distributors of the abominable American re-edit.

The Breakfast Club

Soon-to-be washed-up actors deliver charming performances as stereotypical kids who chat for an hour to convince the audience that stereotypes are inaccurate. Failure. Simple plot marred by scatter-brained cutaways to antics of insane principal. Spoiler: culminates with everyone getting laid except the nerd, who gets to write a paper instead.

Bronson

Bastard son of Ritchie and Tarantino tries to remake Clockwork Orange and fails. An incredible performance from Tom Hardy fails to bring empathy to a despicable character despite charmingly creepy smile and disturbing amount of penis floppage. Perfect example of style failing to save a movie from an inadequate plot.

Wrong Side of Town

Two wrestlers, two rappers and a pornstar. Sound like a bad joke? It is. Pseudo-bond intro plays into totally irrelevant mob stereotype scene. RVD seems surprisingly decent, partly thanks to poorly acted five minute appearances by Ja Rule and Bautista. Action scenes are decent but the clichéd plot is abysmal.

Mrs. Henderson Presents

Dench and Hoskins perform fantastically in true story of the most high class nude bar ever built. War scenes ring theatrical and untrue, and ending is abrupt and melodramatic. More than offset by entertainment value and artistry of all the stage scenes and of course by the beautiful supporting cast.

Heist (2001)

Mamet’s highbrow dialogue slapped on an overly complex, perpetually twisty story. Compelling to the half-way point then loses steam. Decent performances of unsympathetic characters don’t particularly help the film. Great source of one-liner quotes and clever heist scenes. Otherwise a generally uninteresting crime caper. Totally inane plotting of female lead.

3:10 to Yuma (2007)

Decimus vs. Bateman in a western battle of the badass. Faithfully recreates classic western feel with enough jokes and explosions to keep today’s crowd happy. Fonda, Foster, and Tudyk add to the mix, but more amazing than their performances, is their survival of a set with both Bale and Crowe.

21 Grams

Title refers to the amount of extra brain tissue needed to fully comprehend this film. Basically, take a shotgun to a good drama and treat the falling confetti as a shooting script. Seemingly random non-chronology proves intensely clever on second viewing. Brilliant performances from lead players solidify film’s emotional power.

Heaven Can Wait (1943)

Ernst falls a little bit short with this one. It’s a less wonderful ‘Wonderful Life,’ in which the supernatural bookends function as a gimmick to justify a bland story. Great dialogue saves the film, which could be compared to ‘Citizen Kane,’ if only for the quality of its aging makeup.

New York, I Love You

Vastly inferior to Parisian predecessor. Portrays the whitest, most uninteresting New York imaginable. Features a phenomenal performance from first time actor, Shia LaBeouf, and an out-of-place mainstream segment from Brett Ratner. Portman directs better than she acts in this one. Mostly destroyed by ill-conceived attempt to intertwine tonally disparate storylines.

Coraline

Interesting clay-mation/digital hybrid takes full advantage of 3-D technology. Story transforms irritatingly from simple fairytale to intensely convoluted horror story far removed from logic. Suffers from complicated book adaptation syndrome. Excellent film for simultaneously scaring girls and producing fetishes in boys. Features the creepiest porcelain spider woman since Toy Story.

The Dead Zone

Movie inferior even to the show it spawned. Compelling moments and interesting premise strung together by ineffective episodic plotline. Walken delivers decent performance from the confines of a character who becomes increasingly irritating as he squanders an incredible skill. Abnormally normal for Cronenberg but a perfect qualitative representation of King.

Surrogates

In a world of wrinkle-free Joan Rivers robots, Bruce Willis’ rugged good-looks go totally unappreciated. Brilliant dystopic premise tanked by horribly convoluted plot. Beats the viewer over the head with the message that real people are really really really ugly. Mediocre dialogue and neck-pouch-free world will appeal to George Lucas.

Shutter Island

Scorsese finally proves that ‘no,’ he doesn’t only make good movies. Interesting continuity editing lets Dicaprio showcase ability to spontaneously change position of props, facial expressions, and entire body between camera angle cuts. Insanely flawed story reflects loyalty of film to source material. Decent film if zero thought is applied.

Caligula

Early indicator of where McDowell’s career was headed. Half-ass set decoration and costume design hardly make up for abysmal screenplay and terrible acting. Features several erect penises and even some femme-a-femme 69, but if you want to see sex with a weak story, watch porn; this isn’t nearly as well-crafted.

Pervert!

Basically porn without sex, and consequently fairly entertaining for first ten minutes. Former gubernatorial candidate Mary (not Mariah) Carey ingests tons of food, and frequent close-ups prove that she rehearsed the role religiously. Not the best recent film about rogue genitals, but at least this one doesn’t take itself seriously.

Age of Consent

Mason plays unfortunate artist trapped on beautiful Australian island with only his paintings, genius dog, and gorgeous nude model to keep him company. Tonally torn between comedy and introspective drama. Beautiful cinematography and great performances from Mason and Mirren dragged down by obnoxious supporting cast and still worse closing song.

Australia

Two romance novels squeezed into one unbearably long film. Luhrman proves that he is just a romantic Michael Bay, and like Bay, he delivers a few unexpected poignant moments. Kidman delivers one of her most irritating performances and is out-acted by an incredible aboriginal child and Jackman’s impossibly talented torso.

Walkabout

Longtime cinematographer Nic Roeg directs one of the most beautiful films ever shot and introduces the world to the often nude Jenny Agutter and the ever Aboriginal David Gumpilil. Like Salo and Cannibal Holocaust, includes nude teenagers and real animal slaughter. Unlike aforementioned films, it’s visually stunning and emotionally resonant.

(500) Days of Summer

that uses nonchronological - Honest romantic tragicomedy - editing a bit excessively. Avoided R-rating by euphemizing ‘blowjob’ but gets away with ‘anal girl’ and ‘took a huge shit on my face, literally.’ Despite obtrusive editing and music will resonate with anyone who has had a relationship end bitterly. Autumn, funny.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Effects genius Tatopoulos directs third Romeo & Vampire film. Backslides both chronologically and qualitatively but maintains tradition of destroying Bill Nighy’s head. Fans of Star Wars III will enjoy the mediocre dialogue and predetermined ending. Culminates in battle of Helm’s Deep and brief voiceover designed to justify casting Fake Beckinsale.

World's Greatest Dad

Baumbach-esque tragicomedy analyzes hypocrisy and grief. Williams shines in role reminiscent of his Will Hunting performance. Daryl Sabara matches Williams from what may be the douchiest child role ever. Abrupt ending detracts from otherwise expert script. Poor editing and music cues hurt film, though not as badly as mismarketing did.

The Brothers Bloom

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels gets fake Wes Anderson treatment. Irritatingly dark and twisty plot weighs down what feels like a light film. Runs into problem of ‘If it’s a con, we called it. If not, lame.’ Aside from brooding Brody, quirky characters are the highlight, especially Rinko Kikuchi and Robbie Coltrane.

For All Mankind

Fails to mesh attention to beauty with narrative drive. Awkwardly paced educational piece rather than entertaining true story. Shots of Earth, though surely breath-taking when photographed become old quickly. Footage of space walks and lunar landing are most compelling, but ironically look less real than special effects footage of today.

Not Quite Hollywood

Compelling documentary about Ozploitation films of ‘70s and ‘80s Australia. Tarantino and others provide expert commentary throughout. Made more compelling through quick ballsy editing and well selected clips from all films discussed. Contains more female nudity than any other R-rated film plus one necessarily lengthy shot of John Holmes’ penis.

Inside Deep Throat

More than just a nice way to watch porn guilt-free. Covers topic thoroughly from both sides while intercutting just enough deep-throating to offend conservatives and disappoint teenagers. Entertaining use of subplots relating not to the subject, but rather to the documentary itself. Message: pornographers get weirder as they get older.

The Girlfriend Experience

Soderbergh casts porn star in experiment that effectively combines editing of Limey with honesty of Bubble. Casting choices and cinematographic style add to realism and tone of film. Sasha Grey is really not bad, but performances of male leads are certainly not as penetrating as those of her previous co-stars.

Five Obstructions

Von Trier forces filmmaker Jorgen Leth to repeatedly remake a 1967 short film but applies rules designed to trick Leth into making Dogville. First four remakes are impressive but documentary footage between them is tedious and only serves to justify Von Trier’s final, ‘meaningful’ obstruction. Obstruction #6: Hire an editor.

Il Vangelo Secondo Matteo

Most loyal to text and consequently most tedious to watch Christ film. Spends hours on Jesus (Taylor Lautner’s grandfather) furrowing his unibrow at oblivious Italians. Handles the crucifixion quickly and tastefully, making it the antithesis of Gibson’s Passion. Clearly the work of the man who went on to direct Salo.

Doomsday

Combines worst parts of Resident Evil, Timeline, and Road Warrior in attempt to create film with self-fulfilling title (which ironically is unrelated to plot). Pseudo-Beckinsale delivers decent performance which can’t help but stand out in a washed up land where Malcolm McDowell is king. Makes the Reaper virus look desirable.

Public Enemies

Bale and Depp waste their talent in least compelling gangster story ever. Cinematographer apparently wore shock collar so Mann could zap him if he accidentally framed shots properly. Capped off by misused digital effect far less enjoyable than a hole in the head. Title refers to producers of this monstrosity.

Dead Again

Branagh makes sincere effort to be Hitchcock and fails miserably. Tolerable acting unable to save film from countless failed attempts at suspense. Third act plot twist seems clever compared to rest of film. Saving graces include quirky bit performance by Robin Williams and intensely comedic age makeup on Andy Garcia.

Youth Without Youth

Coppola uses this experimental melodrama to prove that he doesn’t only make good movies. Painfully slow but made bearable by interesting premise and decent performances by Roth and Lara. Impressively captures the feeling of dreaming during the third act. Pity that this dream portion follows a long and boring day.

Death Race

Remake filled with so much testosterone that just watching it builds muscle mass. Only similarities to original 1975 film are character names and intense feeling of guilty pleasure. Features relatively solid story and fantastically executed stunts and effects. Action sometimes becomes too ridiculous, but then, the title is Death Race.

The Hurt Locker

Simultaneously brooding and breath-taking, recreates the harshness and excitement of war without accidentally killing the audience. Made more incredible by Renner’s phenomenally nuanced performance. Employs Reitman’s frequent celeb cameos technique to great effect. Somewhat forced scene at end kept in despite change from equally ambiguous original title, ‘The Cereal Aisle.’

Up in the Air

Reitman hybridizes his previous films into a flaccid pseudo-comedy that emulates American economy by being bleak and frustrating. Various celebs try to bail it out but cannot from the confines of their 30 second roles. Even Clooney runs out of fuel halfway and coasts on in a dissatisfying melancholy mess.

State of Play

Unsatisfactory remake of BBC miniseries. Added subplot features Crowe trying to protect college buddy, Affleck, from his own bad acting. Plot-based conspiracy film with passable but unremarkable performances from A-list cast and Affleck. Further marred by mediocre cinematography, likely caused by constant struggle to fit Crowe’s lion mane into frame.

Doubt

Julie and Julia try to figure out Capote’s habits without dirtying their own. Excellent performances from lead players steer film to emotional excellence. Suffers from ‘clearly still a play’ syndrome despite addition of single exterior scene featuring award nominated performance from Viola Davis’ mucus. Certain to cause countless unwinnable debates.

Star Trek

Fun film about lens flares and how red matter can be used to create plot holes in space-time. Compelling actors distract from fallacious screenplay. The most logical character(s) launches Kirk into space for being irritating, and later jeopardizes Starfleet for sake of potential future friendship. Warning: Film Not for Vulcans.

10 Things I Hate About You

Classic adaptation in which a television actor hires his Australian doppelganger to aide in his shrew-taming endeavors. Though dialogue was modified from source material, Shakespeare’s famous paint balloon scene was portrayed with great loyalty. One of only a few chick flicks that straight guys can safely admit to liking.

300

White leader defies legislature and sends undersized force to fight symbolic battle against brown people. Similarities to real events totally coincidental. Weak story made up for by outstanding visuals and brilliant use of slow motion. Probably responsible for more men joining the military or discovering their homosexuality than any other film.

The Double Life of Veronique

Beautiful film that moves even slower than the molasses that was smeared on the lens to tint the whole thing gold. Features impressive performances from several Irene Jacobs and a couple of womannequins. Well thought out meditation on spirituality and the interconnectedness of human beings, eyeball rings, and finger strings.

Sherlock Holmes

RDJ and Jude Law discover that an evil genius has turned London into a Dan Brown novel. Peppered with clue-leaves and the tails of clue-rats, completely indecipherable hints designed to make the viewer feel not clever enough. Pseudo-intellectual film made entertaining by good actors and occasional sequences of 300 slo-mo.

Nine

Segues poorly between compelling acting and flashy music videos. Fergie delivers fantastic performance prompting suspicions that everyone else acted down to make her look better. If Rob Marshall’s goal was to create a barely passable schizophrenic remake to mirror his character he succeeded admirably. Disproves math: 8 1/2 > 9.

Watchmen

Not actually a movie, but rather a collection of scene reenactments glued together by rough semblance of plot. Modifications to source material include consolidation or elimination of several subplots, expansion of single frame into soft-core porn scene, increased frequency of blue penis appearance, oh, and complete rewrite (improvement?) of ending.

Julie & Julia

Streep again delivers a performance that is perfect save for the fact that the character she expertly portrays is extremely irritating (Capote Syndrome). Adams does not. Poor pacing and unresolved third act conflict outweigh abundant adorability. Will likely only live on through the millions of unread blogs it will inspire.

District 9

Clever retelling of apartheid that incorporates every video game weapon ever conceived. Bonus points for originality of story and for impressively goopy body explosions. Negative points for silly transformation plot aspect and arbitrary use of documentary footage. One of only seventeen films in 2009 to use the Avatar/Transformers/Terminator Salvation robot.

48 Hrs.

Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte deliver unconvincing performances as a black guy and a white guy. Blunt attempt at ‘racism is bad’ message blends perfectly with clichéd buddy cop story to create a film so juvenile that it may just justify the grammatically incorrect use of punctuation in the. title.

Avatar

Visually orgasmic reformatting of old story into fantastical new world. If C.S. Lewis can do it to Jesus, why can’t Cameron do it Pocahontas? Pervasive political message tries and fails to detract from special effects extravaganza. Not for people who hate beauty, excitement, or Native Americans. That said, ‘unobtanium,’ really?