Mulholland Dr.

Experimental film that improves dramatically with each viewing. Difficult to criticize terrible performances, particularly from Watts, as they were intentionally bad. Attempting to comprehend the plot is waste of time that will make you want to Lynch the director. Look forward to equally dissatisfying blue box and lesbian sex scenes.

Open Your Eyes

Brilliant sci-fi mystery maintains impressive amount of suspense while asking serious philosophical questions. Seemingly senseless occurrences tie perfectly together at brilliantly plotted climax. Noriega delivers phenomenal performance despite inhibiting, unimpressive makeup. Star-making role for Cruz who went on to act in the vanilla bastard remake, Open Your Eyes Wide Shut.

Ponyo

Miyazaki’s Little Mermaid lacks universality of plot that makes his other films great. Targeting young audience doesn’t justify senselessness of plot and dialogue. Worse still, Miyazaki experiments with new animation to unimpressive result and American redub is his worst yet. And how pray-tell did Aslan’s wizard mate with Galadriel’s ocean?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Campy action, lame dialogue, and freaky aliens illustrate Lucas’ involvement in this incredible desecration of an iconic series. Shia the Beouf nicely compliments the worst performances of Blanchett, Hurt, and Ford’s careers. Digital ants, Shia of the Apes, and a moronic waterfall car chase add to this colossal Crystal Skullf**k.

Seven Pounds

Will Smith reteams with director, Gabriele Muccino, to create this melodramatic sequel, The Pursuit of Crappyness. Attempts to craft a suspenseful mystery but instead feels vague, plodding, and overly manipulative. Supporting stars in forcibly flawed roles outperform a constipated Smith, and an amorphous floating blob steals the show from everyone.

Zombieland

Americanized Shawn of the Dead with more laugh-out-loud moments but less emotional and intricate storyline. Pseudo-Cera’s voiceover works for five minutes before becoming repetitive diatribe of teen angst. Still, features one of the best celebrity cameos ever and fantastic performances by Miss Sunshine as a badass and Harrelson as McConaughey.

Murmur of the Heart

Louis Malle’s quasi-autobiographical coming-of-age film is simultaneously endearing and disturbing. His young-looking child actors perform excellently, and at things they should not know how to do yet. Oddly universal despite it’s incredible strangeness. Though the end may be extreme, everyone will think about it at some point in the film.

The Goonies

Sam Gamgee searches for One-Eyed Willie’s ring of power in Spielberg’s E.T./Indiana Jones hybrid. Embraces Disney approach to making kid’s stories loaded with references for adults, particularly to the filmmakers’ other works (i.e. Gremlins, Superman). Baby Brolin, Shortround, and Corey #2 complete an all-star child cast while dropping S-H-I-T-bombs aplenty.

Moon

David Bowie’s son directs this sublime psychological sci-fi flick that shoots for the moon and lands incredible performance(s) from star, Sam Rockwell. Reminiscent of Solaris and 2001, but only in the best possible ways. A strong story saves the film from subpar special effects; not for fans of Michael Bay.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Hawks directs Monroe in excellent musical with unimpressive story. Monroe’s voice is as excellent for song as it is bad for dialogue, and Russell is better at both. Dance choreography is top-notch and dialogue is sharp, but the courtroom scene est une abomination and the title is more senseless still.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans

Herzog fills radical revision and substantial improvement of Ferrara’s drug-fest with quirkiest cast ever to not feature Ben Stiller. Kilmer and Cage are uncharacteristically good, reminding us that they are not action heroes. Mendes reprises role as Ghost Rider’s girlfriend and supporting cast provide excellent support. Especially those elusive iguanas.

The Men Who Stare at Goats

Heslov pretends his last name is Coen and fills his film with witty dialogue, Clooney’s eyebrows, Jeff ‘Bridges’ Lebowski, and a scatter-brained plot. All works out for half-an-hour before lack of structure stops the film’s heart. Clooney delivers best performance as he tries to teach Obi-Wan to use the force.

Stay

Borderline experimental film that absolutely requires a second viewing. Similar to a smoothly cut variation on Mulholland Dr. complete with a peculiar performance from Naomi Watts. McGregor and Gosling do their jobs adequately but the editor definitely deserves a raise. Brilliant title and transitions add to this thought provoking masterpiece.

The Quick and the Dead

Raimi approaches western genre with all the subtlety that he brought to horror, and succeeds courtesy of the simple, silly, and highly entertaining plot. Features decent performances from relative unknowns Dicaprio and Crowe. Stone’s beauty (though shortlived) is almost enough to distract from the flatness of her performance. Quick zoom.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Anderson’s style translates beautifully to the animated world in this animal adaptation of Ocean’s Eleven. Clooney and Schwartzman’s voice performances are fantastic and the animation is astoundingly charming. Perfect blend of adultness and adorability make for an ideal family film. One or two repeat jokes do get pretty cussing old.

The Proposal

One of the most predictable films ever made but still fairly enjoyable. Reynolds and Bullock play excellently off each other as they leap through all the typical chick flick clichés. Nice to see Coach and Rose in something worthwhile again. Could have done without both of the strange dancing scenes.

Whatever Works

Woody Allen writes a fantasy for himself and casts the person most like him to play the lead. David excels in the role and is aided by an excellent supporting cast. Allen’s film-referential jokes work better here than ever before and he succeeds in creating his most likeable assholes yet.

Bridget Jones's Diary

Stereotypical chick flick in which neurotic girl must choose between Hugh Grant and Mr. Darcy, both playing themselves. Culminates in a series of clichés ranging from suitors fighting in street to lead running after missed love. On the bright side, Zellwegger’s weight is inversely proportionate to how tolerable she is.

Hancock

Superhero quasi-comedy that transforms tonally from Bad Boys to Seven Pounds. Sometimes funny humor fades out with introduction of convoluted back-plot that never gets resolved. Theron and Bateman neither hurt nor help while Smith gives best performance as occasionally annoying hobo superman. Uses inexplicable tornados to overshadow subpar flying effects.

How to Train Your Dragon

Baruchel’s nasal voice and a couple minor plot holes aren’t nearly enough to bring down this fantastical animated epic. Combines fantastic animation, loveable characters, great story, Leonidas’ voice, and an adorable cat-lizard Stitch dragon to make an incredible film. Fans of Harry Potter, Madagascar, or Eragon should like this instead.

La Marseillaise

Renoir’s rendition of the revolution with his typical theatricality, but lacking his usual empathetic characters. A well staged action period piece is brought down by melodramatic acting, heavy-handed plotting, and obvious political bias. Varies tonally throughout, but manages to achieve each of the tones it goes for. Vivre la revolution!

Inglourious Basterds

Spaghetti western cooked by Tarantino and served on a Nazi plate. With occasional flashy exceptions (Samuel Jackson), Tarantino controls himself and does the genre justice. Pitt creates perfect Eastwood or Wayne-esque character alongside amazing lesser-knowns, Fassbender, Laurent, and Waltz. Contains Roth’s best directed film yet and a histourically accurette ending.

Red River

Hawks soars as Clift casts shadows on a waning Wayne. An excellent Western from the master of dialogue. Wayne’s performance marks high points and low points of film with incredible moments arriving from a not quite credible character. Whether or not the characters do, the film certainly completes its journey.

Hunger

Other Steve McQueen makes an unbelievably well shot film and hangs on shots forever to make sure everyone notices. Slight segue issues between speech-free majority and 16-minute one-shot mini-play. Fassbender performs incredibly and pulls a Christian Bale midway through. Disturbing how enthralling a dark topic can be if handled properly.

Little Dieter Needs to Fly

Documentary basis for ‘Rescue Dawn’ from the same director. Likability of Dieter more than compensates for inability to see his story and raises this film above ‘Dawn.’ Moments feel too manipulative. Your torture haunts you still? Let’s recreate it on camera. Arguably worst element of filmjavascript:void(0) is Disney channel title.

Antichrist

Von Trier misogynizes all over Dafoe and Gainsbourg who manage incredible performances. Not necessarily great film but beautifully shot, intensely thought provoking, and loaded with symbolism. Don’t be fooled by opening hour of dialogue, later scenes will permanently change perception of whetstones and scissors. Quasi-pornographic PSA for child safety gates.