Open Range

Dear Costner, just because Dances was four hours of awesome doesn’t mean you need to waste ninety minutes with glorious cloud shouts before transforming into an old fashioned western.  Predictable romance is saved by sensationally gritty showdown.  Half the film is vacuously open and then they reach the shooting range.

Below

Aronofsky scripted submarine horror feels like Session 9 set on Ghost Ship.  Greenwood’s outperforms the film while Williams pulls an Osment.  None of the twists are particularly alarming as the ship drifts into clichéd waters.  The only true surprise in non-Event sub-Horizon is the prophetic shade of Galifianakis’ comedic future.

Attack the Block

Shawn of the Worlds looks like a Fincher film, feels like a British Spielberg, and sounds like… something Americans can’t understand.  Brilliant shot composition and clever creature design make up for two smoking barrels of fast paced cockney hood slang.  Remember writers, if you show moth pheromones in act one…

The Woodsman

Bacon’s performance is gutsy and nuanced and perfectly delivered.  The result is a character so conflicted and conflicting that much of the film, though beautiful, is horribly stressful to watch.  It’s as if The Wrestler were about Sandusky.  Mos Definitely under-appreciated, underrated, and hopefully unrelated to Sedgwick’s love of Bacon.

The Woman in Black

Harry Poltergeist plays a terrifyingly unconvincing widow who inadvertently murders an elementary school by ignoring everyone’s (including brother Dumbledore’s) advice and then gets himself trapped in the skyfall mansion with Cher, who mistakes him for a child and tries to eat his soul Jim Jones style.  Oh, and a twist…

City of Ember

If the first fifteen minutes of Blast from the Past were a full film set in a subterranean Who-ville decorated by the Weasley family.  This hungover Hunger Games is interestingly conceived but underwritten, and only escapes the darkness on the strong shoulders of running Ronan.  Murray vs. mole rat melee!

Too Big to Fail

The economy hurts Hurt in this unrelated direct sequel to Margin Call.  Almost documentary table-talk film remains more entertaining than Stone’s Wall Street: Puts you to Sleep, and maintains appropriate amount of neutrality.  Phenomenal supporting cast perfectly portray 12 angry rich men.  Overall, insightful and cautionary but not a game-changer.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Peter Jacksoff with this gigantically extended 90-page novel excerpt.  Struggles to trudge through nearly three hours (and 486,720 frames) while trapped in the mountains between LotR grandeur and source material childishness.  Freeman’s baby Bilbo feels a bit BBC and previous cast appearances are far less seamless than countless prosthetic noses.

Brave

How to Train your Mother Bear feels like Pixar emulating Disney instead of sticking to their own creative originality.  Beautiful animation can’t save red-head Tangled from poor plotting, predictable action, and an underwhelming conclusion.  Amusing but unimportant dialogue, clichéd witch spells and lack of heart ensure this dream doesn’t work.

The Expendables 2

Both the action and the self-referential jokes work better than discardable predecessor.  Additions of Van Damme and Norris infuse film with jolts of life and camp.  Li drops out too soon, but Willis and Schwarzenegger bring exactly the right kind of fun.  Biggest failure is from makeup department; why try?

Killing Them Softly

The Assassination of Great Performances by the Complete Lack of Structure.  Dominik’s attempt at Drive is less well shot, less intriguing, and horribly paced.  Excellent actors play arc-less character’s whose conversations feel longer than the film.  Hyperviolent moments and newsreel soundtrack feel equally meaningless in a crock that doesn’t work.

Flight

Washington soars as he crashes and crashes as he soars in alarmingly and ironically sobering performance.  Passage of lengthy airtime is assisted by countless character actors in mini-bar sized and equally potent parts.  Smooth landing not quite managed following turbulent comedic transition into alcoholism sermon.  Pro-cocaine and anti-left wing (literally).

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Kevin, Hermione, and Percy Jackson team up in what may be the first meaningful high school film ever.  Distractingly famous adult co-stars detract slightly from powerful pubescent performances and slight air of pretention occasionally intoxicates atmosphere.  Regardless, wallflower is playful but poignant, and perky enough to make Harry Potter jealous.

Life of Pi

Visually breathtaking and emotionally gut-wrenching, with a peculiar counter-ending that adds oceanic depth of philosophical complexity.  Smoothly corrects pacing problems of the novel while adding to the story’s significance.  Lee applies not-so-incredible hulk transitions with sense and sensitivity to create a masterwork of story-telling that is 0.14 better in 3D.

Lawless

Labaeiouf finally lets real actors take center stage, and the result is an excellent film.  Hardy’s invincibility is easier to accept than his relation to siblings.  Chastain’s anything but chaste, and Pearce steals show from underused Oldman.  Selective use of brutal violence make it all the more powerful and shocking.

Casa de mi Padre

Brilliant idea gets lost in translation.  Ferrell’s Spanish is alarmingly good and the seriousness of his performance perfectly fits the premise, but the cinematic execution wavers between amusing and over the top.  Bernal y Luna tambien, have regular chemistry but weak roles and impress less than Aguillera’s awesome Bond song.

Dark Shadows

Burton’s fifth remake of the century is seventy percent Blast from the Past, thirty percent True Blood, and 100 percent underwhelming.  Standard white faced Sweeney Wonka returns in his least impressive Burton turn to date.  Green’s catwoman is great till she starts exorcising and Pfeiffer’s stardom is dusty and unimpressive. 

The Dictator

Cohen returns to Ali G movie's overt scriptedness with shock-comedy rendition of Zohan.  Reilly and Kingsley make amusing appearances but Fox can’t even play herself well.  Clever tongue-in-cheek Tosh jokes periodically hit their marks despite mediocre plot and tonally inconsistent political point speech.  Real life Whadiya antics funnier than film.

Unstoppable

Very Difficult to Stop.  Washington and Pine’s chemistry is as solid as it is clichéd.  Tense action thriller marred by overuse of epileptic and practically impossible news cameras and ‘Why didn’t you do that in the first place?’ ending.  Scott, Denzel, and a train.  Déjà vu 123.  RIP Tony Scott.

The Village

Underrated middle-act in Shyamalan’s predictably twisty career.  Well acted by an all-star cast and cleverly conceived.  Film is greatly hurt by clunkiness of the reveal and several forced lines of explanation thereafter.  Though his performance is great, Brody’s senseless (story-wise) character drags plausibility of film into pit spiked with silliness.

The Master

Phoenix rises from the ashes to become highlight of an impressively neutral portrayal of Scientology-style cults.  Anderson’s There Will Be Liquor lacks the cinematography of its Bloody predecessor and has even less story to-boot.  Hoffman’s return and Adams’ appearance in another religious piece still leave Doubts about meandering anti-climactic plot.

11:14

Well written Vantage Point predecessor features an impressive cast, an excellent concept, and a continuity nightmare.  Hold’s together well until final 11 – 14 minutes when components predictably anti-climax.  Brilliant car wreck shots distract almost as much as Swank’s braces and Foster’s penis, which should have been cut out not off.

Cloud Atlas

Ingeniously adapted rendition of seemingly un-filmable literary masterpiece.  Multiple-role casting adds fascinating if tonally confusing element despite occasional silliness of makeup.  Tri-directors and editor manage a miracle by fusing utterly disparate stories without clunkiness or ambiguity.  Voiceovers occasionally wax philosophic, but how can they not in a film about everything?

Argo

Affleck’s spy-thriller lacks surprises and action but still manages to be heartfelt, funny and tense as hell.  Simple but nuanced film stands above Ben’s predecessors due to real-life story and abnormally empathetic Daredevil.  Unknown hostages excel under Affleck’s on and off-screen direction, while state-side big-namers provide mission with comedic support.

Looper

Pseudo-intellectual time travel flick writes off logic with dismissive dialogue, but can’t talk itself out of pacing problems.  Levitt’s Willis and Johnson’s clever cinematic tricks shine through a story that borrows notes from a bad Frequency, then travels from coincidental and emotionally dissatisfying to physically and psychicly unbelievable and unacceptable.

Skyfall

Hopscotches between Bondiest Bond ever, and not a Bond film at all.  Worst Craig opening yet, followed by uncharacteristically character driven flick with interludes of digital dragons and rogue subways. Inception Island for Old Bardem, Straw Dogs third act, and perfect closing scene confuse the hell out of Chicken Little.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

Pseudo-Guillermo horror remake falls into achasm of lameness when homely Holmes and her Surigate daughter discover that shrink-rayed orcs are stealing their teeth.  A few scenes of graphic violence are fantastically executed but the plot has more holes than that shower curtain and those scissors are more piercing than Guy.