3:10 to Yuma (2007)

Decimus vs. Bateman in a western battle of the badass. Faithfully recreates classic western feel with enough jokes and explosions to keep today’s crowd happy. Fonda, Foster, and Tudyk add to the mix, but more amazing than their performances, is their survival of a set with both Bale and Crowe.

21 Grams

Title refers to the amount of extra brain tissue needed to fully comprehend this film. Basically, take a shotgun to a good drama and treat the falling confetti as a shooting script. Seemingly random non-chronology proves intensely clever on second viewing. Brilliant performances from lead players solidify film’s emotional power.

Heaven Can Wait (1943)

Ernst falls a little bit short with this one. It’s a less wonderful ‘Wonderful Life,’ in which the supernatural bookends function as a gimmick to justify a bland story. Great dialogue saves the film, which could be compared to ‘Citizen Kane,’ if only for the quality of its aging makeup.

New York, I Love You

Vastly inferior to Parisian predecessor. Portrays the whitest, most uninteresting New York imaginable. Features a phenomenal performance from first time actor, Shia LaBeouf, and an out-of-place mainstream segment from Brett Ratner. Portman directs better than she acts in this one. Mostly destroyed by ill-conceived attempt to intertwine tonally disparate storylines.

Coraline

Interesting clay-mation/digital hybrid takes full advantage of 3-D technology. Story transforms irritatingly from simple fairytale to intensely convoluted horror story far removed from logic. Suffers from complicated book adaptation syndrome. Excellent film for simultaneously scaring girls and producing fetishes in boys. Features the creepiest porcelain spider woman since Toy Story.

The Dead Zone

Movie inferior even to the show it spawned. Compelling moments and interesting premise strung together by ineffective episodic plotline. Walken delivers decent performance from the confines of a character who becomes increasingly irritating as he squanders an incredible skill. Abnormally normal for Cronenberg but a perfect qualitative representation of King.

Surrogates

In a world of wrinkle-free Joan Rivers robots, Bruce Willis’ rugged good-looks go totally unappreciated. Brilliant dystopic premise tanked by horribly convoluted plot. Beats the viewer over the head with the message that real people are really really really ugly. Mediocre dialogue and neck-pouch-free world will appeal to George Lucas.

Shutter Island

Scorsese finally proves that ‘no,’ he doesn’t only make good movies. Interesting continuity editing lets Dicaprio showcase ability to spontaneously change position of props, facial expressions, and entire body between camera angle cuts. Insanely flawed story reflects loyalty of film to source material. Decent film if zero thought is applied.

Caligula

Early indicator of where McDowell’s career was headed. Half-ass set decoration and costume design hardly make up for abysmal screenplay and terrible acting. Features several erect penises and even some femme-a-femme 69, but if you want to see sex with a weak story, watch porn; this isn’t nearly as well-crafted.

Pervert!

Basically porn without sex, and consequently fairly entertaining for first ten minutes. Former gubernatorial candidate Mary (not Mariah) Carey ingests tons of food, and frequent close-ups prove that she rehearsed the role religiously. Not the best recent film about rogue genitals, but at least this one doesn’t take itself seriously.