Mulholland Dr.

Experimental film that improves dramatically with each viewing. Difficult to criticize terrible performances, particularly from Watts, as they were intentionally bad. Attempting to comprehend the plot is waste of time that will make you want to Lynch the director. Look forward to equally dissatisfying blue box and lesbian sex scenes.

Open Your Eyes

Brilliant sci-fi mystery maintains impressive amount of suspense while asking serious philosophical questions. Seemingly senseless occurrences tie perfectly together at brilliantly plotted climax. Noriega delivers phenomenal performance despite inhibiting, unimpressive makeup. Star-making role for Cruz who went on to act in the vanilla bastard remake, Open Your Eyes Wide Shut.

Ponyo

Miyazaki’s Little Mermaid lacks universality of plot that makes his other films great. Targeting young audience doesn’t justify senselessness of plot and dialogue. Worse still, Miyazaki experiments with new animation to unimpressive result and American redub is his worst yet. And how pray-tell did Aslan’s wizard mate with Galadriel’s ocean?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Campy action, lame dialogue, and freaky aliens illustrate Lucas’ involvement in this incredible desecration of an iconic series. Shia the Beouf nicely compliments the worst performances of Blanchett, Hurt, and Ford’s careers. Digital ants, Shia of the Apes, and a moronic waterfall car chase add to this colossal Crystal Skullf**k.

Seven Pounds

Will Smith reteams with director, Gabriele Muccino, to create this melodramatic sequel, The Pursuit of Crappyness. Attempts to craft a suspenseful mystery but instead feels vague, plodding, and overly manipulative. Supporting stars in forcibly flawed roles outperform a constipated Smith, and an amorphous floating blob steals the show from everyone.

Zombieland

Americanized Shawn of the Dead with more laugh-out-loud moments but less emotional and intricate storyline. Pseudo-Cera’s voiceover works for five minutes before becoming repetitive diatribe of teen angst. Still, features one of the best celebrity cameos ever and fantastic performances by Miss Sunshine as a badass and Harrelson as McConaughey.

Murmur of the Heart

Louis Malle’s quasi-autobiographical coming-of-age film is simultaneously endearing and disturbing. His young-looking child actors perform excellently, and at things they should not know how to do yet. Oddly universal despite it’s incredible strangeness. Though the end may be extreme, everyone will think about it at some point in the film.

The Goonies

Sam Gamgee searches for One-Eyed Willie’s ring of power in Spielberg’s E.T./Indiana Jones hybrid. Embraces Disney approach to making kid’s stories loaded with references for adults, particularly to the filmmakers’ other works (i.e. Gremlins, Superman). Baby Brolin, Shortround, and Corey #2 complete an all-star child cast while dropping S-H-I-T-bombs aplenty.

Moon

David Bowie’s son directs this sublime psychological sci-fi flick that shoots for the moon and lands incredible performance(s) from star, Sam Rockwell. Reminiscent of Solaris and 2001, but only in the best possible ways. A strong story saves the film from subpar special effects; not for fans of Michael Bay.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Hawks directs Monroe in excellent musical with unimpressive story. Monroe’s voice is as excellent for song as it is bad for dialogue, and Russell is better at both. Dance choreography is top-notch and dialogue is sharp, but the courtroom scene est une abomination and the title is more senseless still.